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If you actually laugh out loud, write AALOL

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=344.msg1561282#msg1561282
« Last edited by Baruch on September 18, 2016, 09:14:18 PM »

Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 408761 times)

Offline yuneeq

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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

Offline outsider

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Some good laughs here   ;D

Here goes one:

A female employee was very upset when she found out that her pay was much lower than her male co worker, she stormed into her bosses office and said "i am a woman and expect to be treated like one a woman deserves", her boss replied "no problem, please iron my shirt"

It's what is on the outside that matters

Online PlatinumGuy

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POTUS, Barack Obama will be visiting Israel in March as a result of the El-Al fare glitch
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline outsider

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POTUS, Barack Obama will be visiting Israel in March as a result of the El-Al fare glitch
good one! Missex that deal myself by the time i got home it was dead
It's what is on the outside that matters

Online PlatinumGuy

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good one! Missex that deal myself by the time i got home it was dead
Not mine
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Online PlatinumGuy

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If I got any worse at bowling I would need to wear a helmet.
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline ChAiM'l

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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

Offline rots5

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Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
have heard this one before, and i still like this one!
If you have any questions please search and then ask. PM me for detailed help.

Offline Moshe123

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Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
« Reply #788 on: March 08, 2013, 09:25:52 AM »
Hi all, I need a favor.
I badly want to laugh, can someone please tell me a joke I never heard before? TIA.

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There’s a way to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.” “That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if only I can sell the car.” “Okay,” said the brunette. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine who owns a garage. Tell him I sent you and he’ll turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.” The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About a month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?” “No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

Offline sky121

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Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
« Reply #789 on: March 08, 2013, 09:29:30 AM »
A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East.

Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted as I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."

A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"

" No, Morris" she responded.

Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Association pledge?"

" Oy no, I haven't sent the check!!"

Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?"

" Oy Morris I haven't sent that one, either!"

Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks him, "So what are you laughing about?"

Morris responds, "They'll find us!"
"Not all who wander are lost"

Offline judahk88

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Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
« Reply #790 on: March 08, 2013, 09:30:25 AM »
Hi all, I need a favor.
I badly want to laugh, can someone please tell me a joke I never heard before? TIA.
Maybe you should look here  ;)

Offline mmermss

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Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
« Reply #791 on: March 08, 2013, 09:30:43 AM »
Hi all, I need a favor.
I badly want to laugh, can someone please tell me a joke I never heard before? TIA.
ALOL..thanks for the laugh  ;D
It's not about the quantity of your posts.  It's about the quality.

Offline mickeyg

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Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
« Reply #792 on: March 08, 2013, 09:34:53 AM »
Hi all, I need a favor.
I badly want to laugh, can someone please tell me a joke I never heard before? TIA.

An old Jewish man sits down in a fancy restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. Within 30 seconds of being brought his order, the man calls the waiter over and asks that he taste the soup. The waiter inquires as to the problem. The Jew doesn't answer, but again asks the waiter to taste the soup. The waiter advises that he's not in the habit of tasting patrons' food, but the Jew persists. The waiter asks if the soup's too cold, too hot or contains -- heaven forbid -- a fly. Each time the Jew merely repeats his request for the waiter to taste the soup. Ultimately, the waiter relents, if only to bring some closure to what has become quite an episode. He looks all around the table, and then asks, "Where's the spoon?" To which the Jew replies with a smile, "A-ha."
I have nothing witty to write here....

Offline judahk88

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Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
« Reply #793 on: March 08, 2013, 09:40:15 AM »
A Lawyer and an elderly Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Jews are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...so the lawyer asks if the Jew would like to play a fun game.The old Jewish man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Jew's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' Theelderly Jew doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.Now, it's the Jew's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Jewish man and hands him $500. The old Jew  pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the elderly Jew up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'The Jew shrugs, reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Offline mickeyg

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Re: Re: Favors Master Thread! Ask or Do Another DDF'er a Favor
« Reply #794 on: March 08, 2013, 09:48:47 AM »
A Lawyer and an elderly Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Jews are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...so the lawyer asks if the Jew would like to play a fun game.The old Jewish man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Jew's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' Theelderly Jew doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.Now, it's the Jew's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Jewish man and hands him $500. The old Jew  pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the elderly Jew up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'The Jew shrugs, reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Never heard this, I am cracking up!
I have nothing witty to write here....