Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 705303 times)

Offline SamKey

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What is ygolohcysp

Offline SamKey

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Reverse psycology

Offline Dan

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"Authorities ordered the entire city to shelter-in-place, marking the first time an American city has been completely shut down if you don't count Detroit."
-Stephen Colbert
« Last Edit: April 22, 2013, 11:52:40 PM by Dan »
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline PlatinumGuy

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"Authorities ordered the entire city to shelter-in-place, marking the first time an American city has been completely shut down if you don't count Detroit."
-Stephen Colbert
Lol
« Last Edit: April 22, 2013, 11:52:46 PM by Dan »
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline george

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Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup? Not every one can mash potatoes.
this version packs more punch IMHO: What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes.

Offline mmermss

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Patient: Doc, the problem is obesity runs in my family.

Doctor: No, the problem is no one runs in your family.
It's not about the quantity of your posts.  It's about the quality.

Offline jj1000

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Lipa calls a guy up on stage to conduct a song:

Guy: If you would have told me before I would of put on a white shirt.

Lipa: you think Hashem cares if you wear a white shirt?

Guy: Hashem doesn't, but my mother does.

Eta-

Lipa finishes the song and

Lipa says to guy: If your mother ever chepens you about your shirt, you should look her in the eyes and say abeimaleit.

Starts the next song :)
« Last Edit: April 28, 2013, 05:36:58 PM by jj1000 »
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Offline DovtheBear

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Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.

"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."

"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."

"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."
"להסתובב זה לא אומר להיות חופשי"

Offline henche

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Hee hee. Here's a tax joke.

959(b) should be titled "Previously F-ed Income"
« Last Edit: May 01, 2013, 02:19:58 PM by henche »

Offline Achas Veachas

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Hee hee. Here's a tax joke.

959(b)  http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/26/959 should be titled "Previously F-ed Income"
A bit over my head :-\

Offline good sam

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Hee hee. Here's a tax joke.

959(b) should be titled "Previously F-ed Income"
::)
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline Deal Guy

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A woman  goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.  The  Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

 

The woman says:  "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

 

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that.  When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep.

 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

 

The woman says:  "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.  I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!  How does a glass of water do that?"

 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing.  It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

 

Offline chaimmayer

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Lol!  I probably have to wait till after Mother's Day to say it :D

Offline twentie4hrs

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An Arab and a Jew go to a pastry shop run by a Greek.
.
The Arab whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.
 
The Arab says to the Jew: You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!
 
The Jew says to the Arab:  Watch this; a Jew is always cleverer than an Arab.
 
He says to the baker, give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!
 
The baker gives him the cookie which the Jew promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: Give me another cookie for my magic trick.  The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. The he says again:  Give me one more cookie... The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.  The Jew eats this one too.
 
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:  And where is your famous magic trick?
 
The Jew says: Look in the Arab’s pocket!
A penny saved is 1 cent

Offline PlatinumGuy

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Excellent
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline Moshe123

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An Arab and a Jew go to a pastry shop run by a Greek.
.
The Arab whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.
 
The Arab says to the Jew: You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!
 
The Jew says to the Arab:  Watch this; a Jew is always cleverer than an Arab.
 
He says to the baker, give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!
 
The baker gives him the cookie which the Jew promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: Give me another cookie for my magic trick.  The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. The he says again:  Give me one more cookie... The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.  The Jew eats this one too.
 
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:  And where is your famous magic trick?
 
The Jew says: Look in the Arab’s pocket!

ALOL

Offline Achas Veachas

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Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".
Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".
Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know ??" Medical Student : :I memorized it."

Online nafnaf12

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i got caught peeing in the pool today the lifeguard screamed so loud .......i almost fell in.

A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

Offline SamKey

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i got caught peeing in the pool today the lifeguard screamed so loud .......i almost fell in.

Offline meshugener

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Why do banks have their doors widely open, but chain the pen to the desk?
Love me or hate me. I still love you.