Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 705422 times)

Offline DovtheBear

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Nov 2012
  • Posts: 2915
  • Total likes: 9
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 14
    • View Profile
  • Location: ליבי במזרח ואנכי בסוף מערב
  • Programs: Regus Gold, Hertz 5 Star, National Executive, Sixt Platinum, Chase Debit, Rav Kav Emerald
"Before you marry a person, you should make them use a computer with really slow internet to see who they really are.
Uh oh. :-[
"להסתובב זה לא אומר להיות חופשי"

Offline This is who I am

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite
  • ****
  • Join Date: Dec 2011
  • Posts: 448
  • Total likes: 12
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 13
    • View Profile
"Before you marry a person, you should make them use a computer with really slow internet to see who they really are.
HAHAHAHA
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Offline SamKey

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 3311
  • Total likes: 30
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
  • Location: If I'm there I can't be here and if I'm here I can't be there
  • Programs: National EE; Hertz PC; Sixt Plt; Avis First; Hilton Gold; Priority Club Plt; West Bestern DE; Carlson Club GE; Accor PLT
A man walks in to a suit store and asks "Can I try on that suit in the window" Rep: Sure but we have changing rooms also"!

Offline Achas Veachas

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2012
  • Posts: 4399
  • Total likes: 114
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
    • View Profile
    • Torah && Tech
"I can't believe the government is reading my emails, even I don't read them".

Offline good sam

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 3340
  • Total likes: 558
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 10
    • View Profile
Knock Knock

Who's there?

George Zimmerman.

George Zimmerman who?

Time for George Zimmerman to get a new attorney.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline henche

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2011
  • Posts: 4183
  • Total likes: 447
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
Knock Knock

Who's there?

George Zimmerman.

George Zimmerman who?

Time for George Zimmerman to get a new attorney.

Trial is amazing

Offline This is who I am

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite
  • ****
  • Join Date: Dec 2011
  • Posts: 448
  • Total likes: 12
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 13
    • View Profile
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Offline ckmk47

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Aug 2012
  • Posts: 7963
  • Total likes: 1045
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
  • Location: brooklyn
גבאי Goes over to someone to call him up for an עליה.  He asks him,"what is your name".  He answers "שרה בת ברכה״״". The גבאי says "no I need your name".
The man answers "I am having financial trouble and I am doing everything in my wife's name these days"
LOL
My favorite cause: cssy.org

Offline Achas Veachas

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2012
  • Posts: 4399
  • Total likes: 114
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
    • View Profile
    • Torah && Tech
An Israeli Kibutznik stumbles into a Shul, the Gabbai seeing a newcomer wants to offer him an Aliyah so he asks him for his name, the Guy says Doron, The Gabay responds "דורון בן...?" The Israeli with a perplexed look says "עשרים ושמונה" The exasperated Gabbai says "לא, לא, האבא" to which the guy replies "אה האבא בן שישים וחמש".
Sounds a lot better when you say it but whatevs :-\

Offline SamKey

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 3311
  • Total likes: 30
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
  • Location: If I'm there I can't be here and if I'm here I can't be there
  • Programs: National EE; Hertz PC; Sixt Plt; Avis First; Hilton Gold; Priority Club Plt; West Bestern DE; Carlson Club GE; Accor PLT
An Israeli Kibutznik stumbles into a Shul, the Gabbai seeing a newcomer wants to offer him an Aliyah so he asks him for his name, the Guy says Doron, The Gabay responds "דורון בן...?" The Israeli with a perplexed look says "עשרים ושמונה" The exasperated Gabbai says "לא, לא, האבא" to which the guy replies "אה האבא בן שישים וחמש".
Sounds a lot better when you say it but whatevs :-\
ALOL!

Online PlatinumGuy

  • Dansdeals Lifetime 10K Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Apr 2011
  • Posts: 14958
  • Total likes: 2421
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 11
    • View Profile
למה חלק מהירושלמים הולכים עם פיז'מות (זברות)? מפני שיושב בטל כישן דמי...
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline Moishebatchy

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • *********
  • Join Date: Jun 2011
  • Posts: 7278
  • Total likes: 151
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 23
    • View Profile
  • Location: Jerusalem
  • Programs: Arzei Makolet Platinum, Yossi's Makolet Silver, Yesh! Gold, Rav Kav Dirt
למה חלק מהירושלמים הולכים עם פיז'מות (זברות)? מפני שיושב בטל כישן דמי...
LOL!

Offline chaimmayer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Posts: 1200
  • Total likes: 24
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: florida
An Israeli Kibutznik stumbles into a Shul, the Gabbai seeing a newcomer wants to offer him an Aliyah so he asks him for his name, the Guy says Doron, The Gabay responds "דורון בן...?" The Israeli with a perplexed look says "עשרים ושמונה" The exasperated Gabbai says "לא, לא, האבא" to which the guy replies "אה האבא בן שישים וחמש".
Sounds a lot better when you say it but whatevs :-\
ממש חמוד

Offline Chaikel

  • Global Moderator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime Presidential Platinum Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: Jun 2008
  • Posts: 6812
  • Total likes: 174
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 20
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Programs: LH SEN, SPG Plat, Hyatt Plat, Rav Kav Platinum
THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West  Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.  KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.  KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!
Create professional looking itineraries.
Check out eliteitinerary.com

Offline semper fi

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite
  • ****
  • Join Date: Jan 2013
  • Posts: 279
  • Total likes: 1
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West  Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.  KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.  KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!
ALOL, seems like you have something with Detroit!

Offline SamKey

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 3311
  • Total likes: 30
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
  • Location: If I'm there I can't be here and if I'm here I can't be there
  • Programs: National EE; Hertz PC; Sixt Plt; Avis First; Hilton Gold; Priority Club Plt; West Bestern DE; Carlson Club GE; Accor PLT

Offline damaxer91

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2008
  • Posts: 3182
  • Total likes: 64
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 6
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West  Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.  KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.  KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!

Love it!

Offline birne

  • Dansdeals Platinum Elite
  • ****
  • Join Date: Sep 2012
  • Posts: 403
  • Total likes: 0
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
  • Location: Lakewood
THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

....... "Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!
ROFLMAO!  best joke I heard in a while!
WHY NOT?!?!

Offline mmermss

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Posts: 4027
  • Total likes: 2
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: Israel
Critical Thinking At Its Best

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man:Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5,400 … correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
It's not about the quantity of your posts.  It's about the quality.

Offline Moshe90

  • Dansdeals Gold Elite
  • ***
  • Join Date: Jul 2012
  • Posts: 229
  • Total likes: 5
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: Brooklyn
Critical Thinking At Its Best

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man:Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5,400 … correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
+1