Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 705177 times)

Offline SuperFlyer

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that wasn't the problem.... I guess I just have a different dialect off Yiddish

I know that, but what he wrote was pretty much mainstream, not using specific words that are inherent to one type of Yiddish. Besides the double meaning of lekach.

Offline SamKey

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I know that, but what he wrote was pretty much mainstream, not using specific words that are inherent to one type of Yiddish. Besides the double meaning of lekach.
ברויך? And whats the double meaning?

Offline SuperFlyer

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ברויך? And whats the double meaning?

Lekach

Offline Moishebatchy

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Offline Achas Veachas

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A recent Moroccan immigrant to Israel was walking around quite hungry when he noticed an orange tree in a yard, not thinking much he reached up and picked a few. The owner saw this and didn't want to embarrass him so he pulls out a Chumash and starts learning Vayikra 19:21 (Lo Tignovu) in a loud sing-song tune. The Moroccans' ears perk up and he exclaims: What a holy land this is, you can eat the holy fruits of the land of Israel and hear Divrey Torah while you're at it!"

Offline yuneeq

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A recent Moroccan immigrant to Israel was walking around quite hungry when he noticed an orange tree in a yard, not thinking much he reached up and picked a few. The owner saw this and didn't want to embarrass him so he pulls out a Chumash and starts learning Vayikra 19:21 (Lo Tignovu) in a loud sing-song tune. The Moroccans' ears perk up and he exclaims: What a holy land this is, you can eat the holy fruits of the land of Israel and hear Divrey Torah while you're at it!"

Just wondering how a Moroccan fits better for this joke.
Visibly Jewish

Offline meshugener

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Don't take it personally.
Next time you come up with a joke you can put it on ashkeneizim.
It just happen to be that an ashkeneizi invented this joke.
Love me or hate me. I still love you.

Offline yuneeq

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Don't take it personally.
Next time you come up with a joke you can put it on ashkeneizim.
It just happen to be that an ashkeneizi invented this joke.

I'm not 1% Moroccan so I'm not offended in the least, nor do I think that Moroccans will be offended. It's just that I don't see how it fits into any of the Moroccan stereotypes that I'm used to.
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Offline Achas Veachas

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It's not for the stereotype (you think I'm a racist? :P ) it was just heard it from my grandfather about the time of the Moroccan Aliyah when there were plenty of impoverished Moroccans around (and they still appreciated hearing a Dvar Torah with their meal :) ).

Offline PlatinumGuy

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Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new  Chief what the coming winter was going to be like.  The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients.  When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared.

After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and  asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going  to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.   "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline PlatinumGuy

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Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at Rs 20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline PlatinumGuy

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline ChAiM'l

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Very good...

Offline Centro

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A bucher came to daven sachris 2:00 and somebody asked him hayituchen?!, he answerd, tefilla is a drabunen and to sleep in sukkah is a deoiriesy.

Offline DovtheBear

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A bucher came to daven sachris 2:00 and somebody asked him hayituchen?!, he answerd, tefilla is a drabunen and to sleep in sukkah is a deoiriesy.
And what did the Chabad bocher say? :P
"להסתובב זה לא אומר להיות חופשי"

Offline Achas Veachas

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And what did the Chabad bocher say? :P
No one asked him...

Offline SamKey

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And what did the Chabad bocher say? :P
He was in such pain he couldn't get out of bed!  ;D

Offline DovtheBear

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He was in such pain he couldn't get out of bed!  ;D
:D
"להסתובב זה לא אומר להיות חופשי"

Offline Myccrabbi

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A person comes to doctor and says: doc wen I eat a tomato it comes tomato wen I eat chicken it comes out chicken steak it comes out steak.....
Doctor answer: eat sh** it will come out sh**
Lesson learned: sometimes in life for stuff to run smooth u have to eat sh**

If u work for a living, why kill urself working?

Offline SamKey

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Told the Shadchan I want a girl like Sarah Imeinu