Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 704812 times)

Offline Chaikel

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I wish someone would open up a restaurant called I don't care, so I can finally go to the place my wife is always talking about.
--Nick Thune
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Offline ?

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reminds me of a friend of mine who always says he will name his kid "your name here"

Offline ?

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True story: my wife has a bjs card with her picture on it, I called bjs and I asked the csr if I can use her card I would bring identification and even a marriage license. The lady thinks for a second and says "yeah should be ok as long as your wife is with you"   

Offline Mikeoracle

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(HT "Marathon man" on FT- I just had to post it ;D )

You know you're "in it" when...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

when your spouse, friends, family, GF, BF, etc tell you that all you talk about is miles and points

when you are late for work because of something to do with miles and points

when you are late for dinner because you are on the phone with a bank or credit card customer service department

when you almost care more about the promo and the promo on top of that more than what it actually gives you

when you know more airport codes and more about the planes than the people who work for the airline

when you know the airline staff by name and they know you

when you know the customs people in different countries due to MRs

when you actually got in shape carrying boxes of coins

when you talk to people in person not in here and still say CC and GC when referring to 'credit card' and 'gift card'

when you have a friend tell ya "I owe you a beer" and when he's about to pay you kinda cringe a bit because now HE is getting to earn the miles on his CC, not you

when you take a date out and purposely choose an IDINE place to eat and then even if the date doesn't go well you tell your friends, "well, at least I got 3x miles"

when you stop GETTING dates BECAUSE of miles

when you meet someone who is INTO miles and live happily ever after

when 20,000/night SPG points is not a big deal anymore

when gold status is not enough on AA. You are headed toward platinum and expect to make it soon (or are already there)

when you have had to have conversations with bank managers about things that would have petrified your parents because in their day no one ever did this sort of thing without it being illegal

when you wish you could tell someone--your friends or co workers--about some of the cool processes you figured out and use to get miles but you burn quietly inside at the fact that none of them will ever get it

when you actually do get one of them to get it

when having a $25,000+ CC bill is a GOOD thing

when the stack of CCs you have in your home office is thicker than a brick

when you migrate from mere miles to EQMs and only work in first and business class and status-based travel even if you rarely ever travel for business to begin with

when X time has passed and you can once again apply for another card to get a bonus

more?


Offline mancunian

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how long is a chinese name?

Offline Cholentfresser

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How Long is a chinese name.
In order to understand recursion, you first need to understand recursion.

Offline SuperFlyer

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ITS GRAMBO!!!

&NR=1

Offline Dan

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Saw this making the rounds..

Dear Egyptian rioters, please don't damage the pyramids. We will not rebuild. Thank you.
-The Jews.
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Offline MOSES

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Here is a good one.

What do you call 50 guys watching the Superbowl at home?







The jets!

Offline regalhome

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled
about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the
road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2010. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Offline Avid Reader

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Loved the chicken one!!  ;D ;D

Offline SuperFlyer

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301


There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301.

I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and

with your elbow , push 3.


When you get out, I'm on the left.

With your elbow , hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
elbow?

 

"Vaat . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"

Offline SuperFlyer

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Latest news from Egypt: ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? I will keep you all informed if anything else changes...

Offline Chaikel

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(For those who get it)
Create professional looking itineraries.
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Offline Dan

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Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline smurf

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[ Invalid YouTube link ]
Those guys are hilarious

Offline whYME

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of  you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
 
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the  world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons-of-bitches."

Offline ?

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 WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!  A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.  'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple  minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...  ' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.  Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''  And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  ''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat  the remainder.''  The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning." 

Offline AsherO

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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!  A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,  to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.  'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple  minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...  ' 'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.  Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''  And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.  ''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat  the remainder.''  The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning." 

Gross.
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Offline Cholentfresser

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ROTFL
In order to understand recursion, you first need to understand recursion.