Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 705232 times)

Offline Centro

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2012
  • Posts: 2935
  • Total likes: 8
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 33
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Thank you for calling the U.S. Government. We are currently closed. If you need immediate assistance, please call Canada or Mexico



New york'ers seem to LOVE traffic. If there's a lot of traffic on the road EVERYONE shows up. But if there's no traffic people don't bother.
 

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Diamond Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 67601
  • Total likes: 16912
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16442
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA GS, AA EXP, DL Dirt, Hyatt Glob, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, DD Diamond, Blocked By @NeriaKraus
Limit all politicians to two terms.


One in office.
One in prison.
In Chicago, they already do this.

Via bsw.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline chaimmayer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Posts: 1200
  • Total likes: 24
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: florida
Rumor has it that the NYPD now believes that the West Side biker gang from last week was trying to 'persuade' the fellow in the SUV to give a Get :)

Offline Centro

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2012
  • Posts: 2935
  • Total likes: 8
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 33
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
I was at a wedding when the badchen started to sing, suddenly he asked out loud who doesn't have whatsapp?Only 2 people raised there hands,He asked the 2 people should come out he has a few jokes to tell them.

Online smurf

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Sep 2010
  • Posts: 4525
  • Total likes: 276
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 8
    • View Profile
  • Location: NJ
I was at a wedding when the badchen started to sing, suddenly he asked out loud who doesn't have whatsapp?Only 2 people raised there hands,He asked the 2 people should come out he has a few jokes to tell them.
like

Offline Achas Veachas

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2012
  • Posts: 4399
  • Total likes: 114
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
    • View Profile
    • Torah && Tech
I was at a wedding when the badchen started to sing, suddenly he asked out loud who doesn't have whatsapp?Only 2 people raised there hands,He asked the 2 people should come out he has a few jokes to tell them.
LOL Whatsapping that.

ETA: Apparently, I was the ast person in my Whatsapp group to hear that one :-[

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Diamond Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 67601
  • Total likes: 16912
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16442
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA GS, AA EXP, DL Dirt, Hyatt Glob, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, DD Diamond, Blocked By @NeriaKraus
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline SamKey

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 3311
  • Total likes: 30
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
  • Location: If I'm there I can't be here and if I'm here I can't be there
  • Programs: National EE; Hertz PC; Sixt Plt; Avis First; Hilton Gold; Priority Club Plt; West Bestern DE; Carlson Club GE; Accor PLT
A not-so-knowledgeable Rabbi was officiating at a wedding an reading out of the Siddur he tells the groom repeat after me: "Harei" 'harei' "at" 'at' "mikudeshes" 'mikudeshes' and at that point had to turn the page. Unfortunately he fitness pages instead if one and continued with doric tavshilin "lanu ulchol Yisroel hadarim b'ir hazeh...

Offline chaimmayer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Posts: 1200
  • Total likes: 24
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: florida
I heard it with בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים

Offline AnonymousUser

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Feb 2013
  • Posts: 3001
  • Total likes: 13
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 0
    • View Profile
This reminds me of a different joke. At the turn of the century, a European Rav needed parnassa,  so he became a Rabbi in a tiny Jewish community somewhere in America, where no one knew anything. He was officiating at a wedding and under the chuppah he tells the groom, repeat after me: "Harei" 'harei' "at" 'at' "mikudeshes" 'mikudeshes'. At that point he was afraid if he said "li", there would be a possibility that the bride would become married to himself. So he motioned to the groom, and said "nu", as if to say "finish it yourself". The groom, knowing absolutely nothing, repeated "nu". The Rav, getting frustrated, motioned again and said "nu nu", which the groom then repeated. Finally the rav gave up and said "li", and the groom said it too.
The rav later wrote a letter to his brother in europe describing the story, and he ended off "now I understand why dovid hamelech said in tehillim 'samachti b'omrim li'!"

Offline Dan

  • Administrator
  • Dansdeals Lifetime 50K Diamond Elite
  • **********
  • Join Date: May 2008
  • Posts: 67601
  • Total likes: 16912
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 16442
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Location: CLE
  • Programs: UA GS, AA EXP, DL Dirt, Hyatt Glob, Fairmont Lifetime Plat, DD Diamond, Blocked By @NeriaKraus
The Washington Redskins are changing their team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.
























From now on, they will simply be known as the Redskins.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline SamKey

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 3311
  • Total likes: 30
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
  • Location: If I'm there I can't be here and if I'm here I can't be there
  • Programs: National EE; Hertz PC; Sixt Plt; Avis First; Hilton Gold; Priority Club Plt; West Bestern DE; Carlson Club GE; Accor PLT
The Washington Redskins are changing their team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with

From now on, they will simply be known as the Redskins.
ROFL!

Offline chaimmayer

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Nov 2011
  • Posts: 1200
  • Total likes: 24
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
    • View Profile
  • Location: florida
A not-so-knowledgeable Rabbi was officiating at a wedding an reading out of the Siddur he tells the groom repeat after me: "Harei" 'harei' "at" 'at' "mikudeshes" 'mikudeshes' and at that point had to turn the page. Unfortunately he fitness pages instead if one and continued with doric tavshilin "lanu ulchol Yisroel hadarim b'ir hazeh...
I had a rebbi in yeshiva who said he had a guest once who said in benching
יהי רצון שלא יבוש בעה״ב בעולם הזה ולא יכנס לעוה״ב
(Anyone else go to ToMo?)

Offline sillypainter

  • Dansdeals Lifetime Platinum Elite
  • *******
  • Join Date: Jan 2012
  • Posts: 2068
  • Total likes: 200
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 1
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
CV will like this one.

What's the difference between a jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips, a jew doesn't....

Offline Achas Veachas

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2012
  • Posts: 4399
  • Total likes: 114
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 3
    • View Profile
    • Torah && Tech
I had a rebbi in yeshiva who said he had a guest once who said in benching
יהי רצון שלא יבוש בעה״ב בעולם הזה ולא יכנס לעוה״ב
(Anyone else go to ToMo?)
By the Rebbe's Seder there was once a Chazzan who said המכה בערוותו כל בכורי מצרים...

Offline DovtheBear

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Nov 2012
  • Posts: 2915
  • Total likes: 9
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 14
    • View Profile
  • Location: ליבי במזרח ואנכי בסוף מערב
  • Programs: Regus Gold, Hertz 5 Star, National Executive, Sixt Platinum, Chase Debit, Rav Kav Emerald
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.  The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.  I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."
"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.   One last point:  "No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:  "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."
"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.  His Masters Degree and PhD i n Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina.  We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,  "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer.
"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
"להסתובב זה לא אומר להיות חופשי"

Offline Super Speed

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Jul 2013
  • Posts: 4849
  • Total likes: 50
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 4
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
  • Programs: SPG Gold, Hilton Gold, Hyatt Platinum, Marriott Gold, Hertz Presidents Circle, Avis First, National Executive Elite, Sixt Platinum.
At a seminar on how to love your husband, the women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"  
All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.
Here are some of the replies:

1. Who is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

3. I love you too.

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the dn ay.

12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??


Offline Centro

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2012
  • Posts: 2935
  • Total likes: 8
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 33
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Q. why are nushim putor from a mitzvas eseh shehazman gruma?

A. becuase they are never ready on time.

Offline SamKey

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: Mar 2013
  • Posts: 3311
  • Total likes: 30
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 2
    • View Profile
  • Location: If I'm there I can't be here and if I'm here I can't be there
  • Programs: National EE; Hertz PC; Sixt Plt; Avis First; Hilton Gold; Priority Club Plt; West Bestern DE; Carlson Club GE; Accor PLT
Q. why are nushim putor from a mitzvas eseh shehazman gruma?

A. becuase they are never ready on time.
That's not funny ;)

Offline Centro

  • Dansdeals Presidential Platinum Elite
  • ********
  • Join Date: May 2012
  • Posts: 2935
  • Total likes: 8
  • DansDeals.com Hat Tips 33
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
That's not funny ;)
Agree, it's very sad :D