Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 704833 times)

Offline Dan

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What time do Lubavitch normally start their meal? Or does it depend on each person?
In Cleveland 12:30.
In Crown Heights anywhere from 12:30-2:30.

Can't imagine eating a big shabbos lunch at 10 in the morning.  Would make for an epic nap I suppose though from lunch until mincha on a long shabbos.
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Offline yuneeq

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Can't imagine eating a big shabbos lunch at 10 in the morning.  Would make for an epic nap I suppose though from lunch until mincha on a long shabbos.

It makes shalosh seudos and melave malka 1000x easier :)
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Offline Dan

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It makes shalosh seudos and melave malka 1000x easier :)
Definitely less #FOMOM if nothing else.
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Offline yuneeq

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Definitely less #FOMOM if nothing else.

Huh?
GINMF
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Offline Dan

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Huh?
GINMF
Was watching football and saw #FOMOF (Fear Of Missing Out on Football)
which would make FOMOM Fear Of Missing Out on Milchigs :D
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Offline elikay

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Was watching football and saw #FOMOF (Fear Of Missing Out on Football)
which would make FOMOM Fear Of Missing Out on Milchigs :D
lol

Offline churnbabychurn

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In Cleveland 12:30.
In Crown Heights anywhere from 12:30-2:30.

Can't imagine eating a big shabbos lunch at 10 in the morning.  Would make for an epic nap I suppose though from lunch until mincha on a long shabbos.
Its easy for you guys, you eat breakfast!

Offline Chaikel

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Do you really eat a whole meal at 10am?
Many Israelis start at 9:30 or earlier
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Offline sky121

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If a white girl eats something, and no one is around to Instagram it, did it even happen?
"Not all who wander are lost"

Offline AnonymousUser

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If a white girl eats something, and no one is around to Instagram it, did it even happen?
ALOL :D

Offline how

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Many Israelis start at 9:30 or earlier
Especially now that they changed the clock

Offline PlatinumGuy

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Two middle-aged men, Shmuel and Aaron, are learning together in the Beis Midrash. When they come to a break, Shmuel says:

"You know, my daughter is getting married next month. We've been learning together for years, and so I'd like to honor you with being one of the witnesses at the ceremony."

At this, Aaron looks a little embarrassed and says: "I'm sorry, Shumuel, but I'm afraid I have to turn you down. You see, well, I'm actually not Jewish so I can't serve as a witness."

"What do you mean you're not Jewish?" asks Shmuel. "We've been learning together for years. How can it be that you're not Jewish?"
"Well," answers Aaron, "I've always found the learning to be a great intellectual exercise. And, of course, I also like spending time with you. But, in the end, I'm still not Jewish."

"But hold on," Shumuel protested. "I've seen you keep Shabbos. You know that a non-Jew isn't allowed to keep Shabbos."
"Ah," replied Aaron serenely, "you only *thought* you saw me keep Shabbos. The truth of the matter is that I always kept a key in my pocket when I walked outside. This way I always carried on Shabbos."

"But there's an eruv!" said Shmuel.

"Yes," countered Aaron, "but I don't hold of the eruv."
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline Achas Veachas

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Two middle-aged men, Shmuel and Aaron, are learning together in the Beis Midrash. When they come to a break, Shmuel says:

"You know, my daughter is getting married next month. We've been learning together for years, and so I'd like to honor you with being one of the witnesses at the ceremony."

At this, Aaron looks a little embarrassed and says: "I'm sorry, Shumuel, but I'm afraid I have to turn you down. You see, well, I'm actually not Jewish so I can't serve as a witness."

"What do you mean you're not Jewish?" asks Shmuel. "We've been learning together for years. How can it be that you're not Jewish?"
"Well," answers Aaron, "I've always found the learning to be a great intellectual exercise. And, of course, I also like spending time with you. But, in the end, I'm still not Jewish."

"But hold on," Shumuel protested. "I've seen you keep Shabbos. You know that a non-Jew isn't allowed to keep Shabbos."
"Ah," replied Aaron serenely, "you only *thought* you saw me keep Shabbos. The truth of the matter is that I always kept a key in my pocket when I walked outside. This way I always carried on Shabbos."

"But there's an eruv!" said Shmuel.

"Yes," countered Aaron, "but I don't hold of the eruv."

To which Shmuel replied "I don't hold by it either for Shabbos, but I think now we should go by it Lechumrah and kill you anyways".

Offline YOSEF

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Two middle-aged men, Shmuel and Aaron, are learning together in the Beis Midrash. When they come to a break, Shmuel says:

"You know, my daughter is getting married next month. We've been learning together for years, and so I'd like to honor you with being one of the witnesses at the ceremony."

At this, Aaron looks a little embarrassed and says: "I'm sorry, Shumuel, but I'm afraid I have to turn you down. You see, well, I'm actually not Jewish so I can't serve as a witness."

"What do you mean you're not Jewish?" asks Shmuel. "We've been learning together for years. How can it be that you're not Jewish?"
"Well," answers Aaron, "I've always found the learning to be a great intellectual exercise. And, of course, I also like spending time with you. But, in the end, I'm still not Jewish."

"But hold on," Shumuel protested. "I've seen you keep Shabbos. You know that a non-Jew isn't allowed to keep Shabbos."
"Ah," replied Aaron serenely, "you only *thought* you saw me keep Shabbos. The truth of the matter is that I always kept a key in my pocket when I walked outside. This way I always carried on Shabbos."

"But there's an eruv!" said Shmuel.

"Yes," countered Aaron, "but I don't hold of the eruv."

To which Shmuel replied "I don't hold by it either for Shabbos, but I think now we should go by it Lechumrah and kill you anyways".
Its a nice joke, but the "not holding of the eruv" is actually not necessarily Chilul Shabbos.

IF not holding of the eruv means the actual eruv, then it would be a karmalis and only an issur Drabanun. IF not holding of the eruv means is it possible to have an eruv, as its really a rishus harabim, then it would be chilul Shabbos.

Offline Achas Veachas

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Its a nice joke, but the "not holding of the eruv" is actually not necessarily Chilul Shabbos.

IF not holding of the eruv means the actual eruv, then it would be a karmalis and only an issur Drabanun. IF not holding of the eruv means is it possible to have an eruv, as its really a rishus harabim, then it would be chilul Shabbos.
So if an Aku"m was Shoves Mideoraisa but was Over on a Derabanan is he Chayav Misa?

Offline YOSEF

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So if an Aku"m was Shoves Mideoraisa but was Over on a Derabanan is he Chayav Misa?
I dont get it.

Offline Super Speed

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Its a nice joke, but the "not holding of the eruv" is actually not necessarily Chilul Shabbos.

IF not holding of the eruv means the actual eruv, then it would be a karmalis and only an issur Drabanun. IF not holding of the eruv means is it possible to have an eruv, as its really a rishus harabim, then it would be chilul Shabbos.
What do a frog and a joke have in common? Once you dissect it it dies... V'hamaven Yaven.


Offline jj1000

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What do a frog and a joke have in common? Once you dissect it it dies... V'hamaven Yaven.


Why a frog? Wouldn't any animal or human die if dissected? And some people just don't understand jokes, but still find it funny when explained to them so a jokes not really dead when dissected.

;)
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Offline Chaikel

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What do a frog and a joke have in common? Once you dissect it it dies... V'hamaven Yaven.


Doesn't it die before it's dissected?
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Offline Achas Veachas

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Doesn't it die before it's dissected?
Exactly. It dies as soon the first person says 'I don't get it...'