Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 717901 times)

Offline ushdadude

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Why did Yaakov create mariv?
He'd rather have to run out to mariv than put 12 kids to sleep.

Offline Achas Veachas

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Was funnier when I heard that one about Bush 10 years ago.
+1

Offline Suave

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Ask the secret service. They know where to get them for cheap.
lol, thought they were Colombians
DDMS Built with ♥ by SWIZU

Offline Chaikel

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lol, thought they were Colombians
The Secret Service is an equal opportunity emloyer
Create professional looking itineraries.
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Offline rcarentals

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Subject: BLONDE



A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the
front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her
to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde
said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and
other materials that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife,
inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied,
"She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to
the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes,"
the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."And by the way," the
blonde added, "it's not a Porche, its a Ferrari."=
Do not boast for tomorrow, Because you do not know what the day will bear.(Mishlei C27.V1)

Offline good sam

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Subject: BLONDE



A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the
front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her
to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde
said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and
other materials that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife,
inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she
realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied,
"She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to
the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes,"
the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50."And by the way," the
blonde added, "it's not a Porche, its a Ferrari."=
Oldy but a goody
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline good sam

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Was funnier when I heard that one about Bush 10 years ago.
+1

Not characteristic of Obama
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline ilherman

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A British boy got married to a american girl,
A day after they got married  after getting dressed for a half hour for sheva brochos she asked him how do I look? Boy answered... Like A million pounds....
You can say what you think when you think what you say.

Offline SamKey

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A British boy got married to a american girl,
A day after they got married  after getting dressed for a half hour for sheva brochos she asked him how do I look? Boy answered... Like A million pounds....
Sort of like Chaikel's tweet "the royal baby weighs 9lbs... about 13usd

Offline Centro

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Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

Offline buggie

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someone asked a rav about going to uman since r nachman would pull him from hell from his peyos. the rav replied that if youre shomer kedushas bris then avrohom avinu will pull you out from hell. the guy answered but id rather get pulled out by my peyos.

Offline AnonymousUser

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someone asked a rav about going to uman since r nachman would pull him from hell from his peyos. the rav replied that if youre shomer kedushas bris then avrohom avinu will pull you out from hell. the guy answered but id rather get pulled out by my peyos.
Repost!

Offline Achas Veachas

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Yankel: Berel did you try that new restaurant?
Berel: Yeah was just there last night.
Y: Nu? How was?
B: Well... If the wine would have been as old as the chicken, and the chicken as fat as the waiter there would be what to talk about...

Offline Moshe123

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Because I'm in Israel, I have to repost.
An Israeli faces many critical decisions every single day.
The hardest critical decision that must be decided several times a day is whether to flush חצי מיכל or מיכל מלא.

Offline danrocks613

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Where was Dina in Yosef's dream - why did Dina not bow to him in his dream?

Answer - Dina was Yosef's mother in law and a mother in law won't bow to you in your wildest dreams.

Offline Myccrabbi

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A Briskar Asked his Rov: "When I'm looking for my wife after Davening on Friday night at the park among all the other women, whether it's a Sheilah of Boirer? " The Rov answered: "It depends, If it's Pisoiles Mitoich Oichel or Oichel Mitoich Pisoiles"?
If u work for a living, why kill urself working?

Offline Mocha

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A Briskar Asked his Rov: "When I'm looking for my wife after Davening on Friday night at the park among all the other women, whether it's a Sheilah of Boirer? " The Rov answered: "It depends, If it's Pisoiles Mitoich Oichel or Oichel Mitoich Pisoiles"?
awesome!!  ;D

Offline Myccrabbi

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A kid asked from his father for $6 of chanukah gelt.
The father says, what? 5?
4 is not enough for u?
Then he says, ok take 3.
He took out 2,
And gave him 1.
If u work for a living, why kill urself working?

Offline Centro

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The pilot announced today on the flight, for those in ur seats happy thanksgiving and for those in the aisles happy Chanukah.

Offline DovtheBear

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The pilot announced today on the flight, for those in ur seats happy thanksgiving and for those in the aisles happy Chanukah.
True story?
"להסתובב זה לא אומר להיות חופשי"