Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 762665 times)

Offline Centro

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Offline Achas Veachas

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True story?
Old story only its usually about xmas

Offline DovtheBear

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Old story only its usually about xmas
Oh.
Any non-antisemitic jokes tonight? :P
"להסתובב זה לא אומר להיות חופשי"

Offline meshugener

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Ever heard of המזמרים choir?
Love me or hate me. I still love you.

Offline MisterHock

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Fair warning that this is a really bad joke.

Q.  What do you call a check engine light in Lakewood?
A.  A Ner Tomid

Offline Myccrabbi

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Fair warning that this is a really bad joke.

Q.  What do you call a check engine light in Lakewood?
A.  A Ner Tomid
lol.
My shvuger told me grode epes........
If u work for a living, why kill urself working?

Offline meshugener

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Okay, so a lady calls in the hamezamrim office, she wants to ordre them for her son's bar mitzvah.
Lady: what's your price?
Hamezamrim: we charge $400 per singer
Lady: wow! $400?? Than I don't think I can afford more than one mamzer.
Love me or hate me. I still love you.

Offline Myccrabbi

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Okay, so a lady calls in the hamezamrim office, she wants to ordre them for her son's bar mitzvah.
Lady: what's your price?
Hamezamrim: we charge $400 per singer
Lady: wow! $400?? Than I don't think I can afford more than one mamzer.
lmao!!!
If u work for a living, why kill urself working?

Offline notanonymous

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Fair warning that this is a really bad joke.

Q.  What do you call a check engine light in Lakewood?
A.  A Ner Tomid
Two cars with perpetual engine lights.  That is what an OBD reader is for.

Offline raphy781

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Okay, so a lady calls in the hamezamrim office, she wants to ordre them for her son's bar mitzvah.
Lady: what's your price?
Hamezamrim: we charge $400 per singer
Lady: wow! $400?? Than I don't think I can afford more than one mamzer.
I'm pretty sure that joke is based on the story where a lady came over to them at a simcha and asked them how much it costs for one mamzer. I have a friend who was there. He said everybody around was rolling.

Offline good sam

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Okay, so a lady calls in the hamezamrim office, she wants to ordre them for her son's bar mitzvah.
Lady: what's your price?
Hamezamrim: we charge $400 per singer
Lady: wow! $400?? Than I don't think I can afford more than one mamzer.
#alwayssoundsbetterinyiddish
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline SamKey

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The pilot announced today on the flight, for those in ur seats happy thanksgiving and for those in the aisles happy Chanukah.
and I'm in a sefardi shul this morning standing room only and I'm pacing around my Daled Amos and some guy comes running over motioning me to sit down!
#HappyThanksgiving #Franks

Offline Dan

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"Q. What does a jewish person do when she/he is feeling down?
A. Wholesale therapy."

@Shmuel T
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline DovtheBear

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And America voted him in for a second term.
This would be funny if it weren't so sadly true.
-------------------
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd /Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I order you to cash this check!"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot  we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"

Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing. I donít have a clue what to do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
"להסתובב זה לא אומר להיות חופשי"

Offline Moshe123

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Lol

Offline Achas Veachas

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Heard that about Bush...

Offline nafnaf12

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The pilot announced today on the flight, for those in ur seats happy thanksgiving and for those in the aisles happy Chanukah.

Explain

Isnt it talking about when the pain landed
A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.

Offline Centro

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With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my about the importance of safe drinking and driving. 

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!

Offline Myccrabbi

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With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my about the importance of safe drinking and driving.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!
lol.
If u work for a living, why kill urself working?

Offline Achas Veachas

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Heard it better with a bus...