Jokes Master Thread

[SuperFlyer]

Don't send any money in for the tokyo tsunami appeal, they are loaded,
I have just seen a guy on tv getting interviewed outside his house and he has two massive boats on his driveway ...

[chuchem]

Real estate in Japan went up, all houses have a sea view now

[whYME]

A friend of mine bought a pair of shoes. On the label it said made in japan found in san Francisco ...

[mordylich]

A brisker who jumped from the 13th floor, awakes 6 month later in the hospital.
First thing they ask him: why did you jump?
Brisker: I had a chashash I was from zera amolaik

Perfect! Happy Purim!

[whYME]

Dear Students,
I'm not stupid. I know when you're texting in class. No one looks at their crotch and smiles.
Sincerely, Your Teacher

[whYME]

http://www.theonion.com/video/cias-facebook-program-dramatically-cut-agencys-cos,19753/

[Dan]

http://www.theonion.com/video/cias-facebook-program-dramatically-cut-agencys-cos,19753/

ROFL

[smurf]

ROFL

+1
They're very good

[whYME]

Solution to the problem in Libya :
 

They want a new Muslim leader, I say, give them ours.
 

Solves 2 problems.

[whYME]

Today's "seen on facebook" picks:

ס'דערמאנסטו מיך אזוי: א אינגערמאן האט געוואלט מהנה זיין די ווייב, האט ער געקויפט לכבוד יו"ט א שירצל מיט די ווערטער אויפגענייט 'הלילה הזה שתי פעמים...' זי האטזעך נישט פארלוירן און אים סופרייזט מיט א נייע שלאף קאפעל "אפילו פעם אחת אויך נישט" - דפ


"don't u find it ironic that fish r now eating dead raw Japanese ppl "

[Yordai Dooma]

Today's "seen on facebook" picks:

ס'דערמאנסטו מיך אזוי: א אינגערמאן האט געוואלט מהנה זיין די ווייב, האט ער געקויפט לכבוד יו"ט א שירצל מיט די ווערטער אויפגענייט 'הלילה הזה שתי פעמים...' זי האטזעך נישט פארלוירן און אים סופרייזט מיט א נייע שלאף קאפעל "אפילו פעם אחת אויך נישט" - דפ


"don't u find it ironic that fish r now eating dead raw Japanese ppl "

For those who speak english, here is the translation by google:

"It dermanstu Me So: A ingerman wished pleasing the woman, he bought dignity iu"t an apron with the words aoyfgeneyt 'night that two times ... " She hatzekh not lost and it sprays with a new sofa cable "even once one also not" - Page"

[ChAiM'l]

Job at the FBI 

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. 

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,

There were 3 finalists;


 

Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door

And handed him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your instructions

No matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.


He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing,


 

Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[Avid Reader]

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Ouch.

[Avid Reader]

NOTE: This joke is for men ONLY. If you're a women, please don't look


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

[MOSES]

Whats the difference between mashed potatoes, and pea soup? Not every one can mash potatoes.

 

THE FAMOUS ONE!

[Avid Reader]

THE FAMOUS ONE!

+1 now we know his 'Yichus'.

[Avid Reader]

(Especially for MOSES)

Q)What's wrong with a women being part of a Mezuman? After all you sat and ate at the same table.

A) No matter how much 'mezuman' you give a women, it will never be enough...

[Dan]

+1 now we know his 'Yichus'.

And the logic behind his username...

[Avid Reader]

And the logic behind his username...

I took a look at his profile and it seems he can be my great grandfather several times over

Posts:
    2 (0.002 per day)
Gender:
    Male
Age:
    1920

[MarkS]

A new supermarket opened near me. It has an automatic water misting device to keep produce fresh. Just before it turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the dairy case, you hear cows moo, and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.