Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 832941 times)

Offline icapd1

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If you give a mom a muffin,
she値l want a cup of coffee to go with it.
She値l pour herself some.
Her three year-old will come and spill the coffee.
Mom will wipe it up.
Wiping the floor, she will find dirty socks.
She値l remember she has to do laundry.
When she puts the laundry into the washer, she値l trip over shoes and bump into the freezer.
Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper.
She will get out a pound of hamburger.
She値l look for her cookbook
(How to Make 101 Things With a Pound of Hamburger.) The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail.
She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow.
She will look for her checkbook.
The checkbook is in her purse,
which is being dumped out by her two year-old.
Then she値l smell something funny.
She値l change the two year-old.
While she is changing the two year-old, the phone will ring.
Her five year-old will answer and hang up.
She値l remember she was supposed to phone a friend to come over for coffee.
Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup.
She will pour herself some more.
And chances are,
if she has a cup a coffee,
her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.
On a similar note...

Why I Love Mom

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed"

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day痴 lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button
She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushedand flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said.

She put some water into the dog's dishand put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed."

And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?

Offline etech0

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LIKE!
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline ilherman

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A wife is sleeping in the middle of the night, she suddenly shouts: "Get up quickly my husband is here!"

The man gets up from the bed, jumps out the window, hurts himself and then realizes "Damn, I am the husband!"

Who's guilty in the situation??
You can say what you think when you think what you say.

Offline Achas Veachas

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I just poured a bucket of ice-water on myself but I didn't take a video because I believe in מתן בסתר...

Offline whacked1

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I just poured a bucket of ice-water on myself but I didn't take a video because I believe in מתן בסתר...
lol cute

Offline YSP

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A man comes home to find his wife packing a suitcase. He says "Honey, where are you going?" She replies "I've got to get out of here. I'm leaving you" He says to her "But Honey, what is it? is there another man?" She responds "There's got to be!"

Offline lubaby

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A dyslexic, insomniac, philosopher sits up all night contemplating dog.

Offline AnonymousUser

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A dyslexic, insomniac, philosopher sits up all night contemplating dog.
Took me a minute, but then ALOL. :)

Offline yos9694

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A dyslexic, insomniac, philosopher sits up all night contemplating dog.

Slightly better version... dyslexic insomniac agnostic stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Offline Abet rich

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Slightly better version... dyslexic insomniac agnostic stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
Can we get a dictionary?
Contact me at abereich19@gmail.com for all help and info.

Offline AnonymousUser

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Offline etech0

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I do not like this Windows 8
I do not like it - 8 I hate

I do not like that screen of start
It makes me sad inside my heart

It takes so very long to load
One day it might make me explode

I very often want to snap
At this machine atop my lap

And that is such a royal shame
Why couldn't things remain the same?
This Windows 8 is quite a pain!

I do not like it's many quirks
I do not like the way it works

I do not like it over here
I do not like it ANYWHERE

I do not like these metro apps
I fear my world will soon collapse

Searching now takes rather long
I fear that something's very wrong

I do not like these fancy tiles
They are not causing any smiles

I do not want to use IE
I do not think it's meant to be

I am not charmed by this new bar
The older methods win by far

I used to use the menu start
Removing it was not so smart

This Windows 8 is hard to use
I do not like it; I refuse

I do not use it 'less I must
I do regard it with disgust

Sometimes I just would like to say
"Oh Windows 8, please go away"
It better not be here to stay!

I hope these problems will be cured
With sweeping changes, 'cross the board

I pray that all will soon be fine
When they come out with Windows 9!
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline Yehoshua

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I do not like this Windows 8
I do not like it - 8 I hate

I do not like that screen of start
It makes me sad inside my heart

It takes so very long to load
One day it might make me explode

I very often want to snap
At this machine atop my lap

And that is such a royal shame
Why couldn't things remain the same?
This Windows 8 is quite a pain!

I do not like it's many quirks
I do not like the way it works

I do not like it over here
I do not like it ANYWHERE

I do not like these metro apps
I fear my world will soon collapse

Searching now takes rather long
I fear that something's very wrong

I do not like these fancy tiles
They are not causing any smiles

I do not want to use IE
I do not think it's meant to be

I am not charmed by this new bar
The older methods win by far

I used to use the menu start
Removing it was not so smart

This Windows 8 is hard to use
I do not like it; I refuse

I do not use it 'less I must
I do regard it with disgust

Sometimes I just would like to say
"Oh Windows 8, please go away"
It better not be here to stay!

I hope these problems will be cured
With sweeping changes, 'cross the board

I pray that all will soon be fine
When they come out with Windows 9!
Is this an original, or source?

Offline Achas Veachas

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...I pray that all will soon be fine
When they come out with Windows 9!
Keep dreamin'

Offline etech0

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Is this an original, or source?
original.
[blushes]
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline Yehoshua

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original.
[blushes]
Nice, I like it!
Keep dreamin'
+100000. That's why I switched to Mac OS when Vista came out, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Offline etech0

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Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline lubaby

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original.
[blushes]
Had too much free time on your hands this weekend?  ;)

Offline etech0

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Had too much free time on your hands this weekend?  ;)
today. And it's a product of my commute...
Workflowy. You won't know what you're missing until you try it.

Offline AnonymousUser

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I do not like this Windows 8
I do not like it - 8 I hate

I do not like that screen of start
It makes me sad inside my heart

It takes so very long to load
One day it might make me explode

I very often want to snap
At this machine atop my lap

And that is such a royal shame
Why couldn't things remain the same?
This Windows 8 is quite a pain!

I do not like it's many quirks
I do not like the way it works

I do not like it over here
I do not like it ANYWHERE

I do not like these metro apps
I fear my world will soon collapse

Searching now takes rather long
I fear that something's very wrong

I do not like these fancy tiles
They are not causing any smiles

I do not want to use IE
I do not think it's meant to be

I am not charmed by this new bar
The older methods win by far

I used to use the menu start
Removing it was not so smart

This Windows 8 is hard to use
I do not like it; I refuse

I do not use it 'less I must
I do regard it with disgust

Sometimes I just would like to say
"Oh Windows 8, please go away"
It better not be here to stay!

I hope these problems will be cured
With sweeping changes, 'cross the board

I pray that all will soon be fine
When they come out with Windows 9!
Awesome! Although I think you've been reading too much Dr. Suess recently...:P