Jokes Master Thread

[Achas Veachas]

I heard that it was 78.3%, no, 94.8%.

Well I didn't hear 87.3% so there

[Achas Veachas]

A tourist to Soviet Russia is walking down the street when he sees a few workers get out of a truck. He watches as the first worker digs a hole in the ground, the second worker fills in the hole and then a third worker pours water. The workers repeat this a few times before the tourist goes over and asks them "excuse me? why are you guys doing this?" One of the workers barely looks up and answers "Oh the guy who plants the tree called in sick today".

[Achas Veachas]

Saw a Muslim on the subway the other day listening to his CD player, I asked him what music he was listening to he told me he doesn't listen to music, he has the Koran on CDs and listnes to a chapter every day. Impressed I asked him if he could burn me a copy. Still can't figure out why he got so angry...

[Freddie]

Yes, a cross-post, for your convenience and delight.
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=23413.msg919863#msg919863

[ckmk47]

Yes, a cross-post, for your convenience and delight.
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=23413.msg919863#msg919863

LOL!

[good sam]

Yes, a cross-post, for your convenience and delight.
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=23413.msg919863#msg919863

http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=23413.msg919989#msg919989

[Freddie]

Another cross-post to a joke. http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=45271.msg922880#msg922880

[Baruch]

Yes, a cross-post, for your convenience and delight.
http://forums.dansdeals.com/index.php?topic=23413.msg919863#msg919863

My screen is full of what was in my mouth! ALOL!

[danrocks613]

[danrocks613]

While it is a joke how sad is it that these are the role models for so many young kids

[Mikeoracle]

REPORT:  NFL to place entire Falcons team on exempt list for violently beating Buccaneers.

[Achas Veachas]

Home Depot:
To all the Jewish people upon the upcoming holiday of Succot , we apologize for the inconvenience but we are currently out of stock of "the thing that holds the thing, that connects the thing to the thing..."

[DMYD]

 ;

Home Depot:
To all the Jewish people upon the upcoming holiday of Succot , we apologize for the inconvenience but we are currently out of stock of "the thing that holds the thing, that connects the thing to the thing..."

cute but true!

[Achas Veachas]

2 weeks ago, I ate Shabbos food that was cooked last year, last week shabbos I didn't eat anything!
This  shabbos I'm eating in the back yard.
So before next shabbos I'm just gonna get drunk and everything will be fine.

[etech0]

2 weeks ago, I ate Shabbos food that was cooked last year, last week shabbos I didn't eat anything!
This  shabbos I'm eating in the back yard.
So before next shabbos I'm just gonna get drunk and everything will be fine.

a winner!

[whYME]

2 weeks ago, I ate Shabbos food that was cooked last year, last week shabbos I didn't eat anything!
This  shabbos I'm eating in the back yard.
So before next shabbos I'm just gonna get drunk and everything will be fine.

That's great! I'm stealing it.

[Achas Veachas]

That's great! I'm stealing it.

הגונב מן הגנב פטור

[whacked1]

הגונב מן הגנב פטור

Shoot it, I just saw someone post that on FB. I thought that might be you, guess not...

[lubaby]

A non Jewish maid is talking to her friend.
She says I work for this nice Jewish family but they have some weird habits. They have this holiday called Shabbos where they eat in the dining room and smoke in the bathroom. Then they have a holiday called Tisha B'Av where they smoke in the dining room and eat in the bathroom. And another holiday called Yom Kippur where they eat AND smoke in the bathroom.

[cholent]

Home Depot:
To all the Jewish people upon the upcoming holiday of Succot , we apologize for the inconvenience but we are currently out of stock of "the thing that holds the thing, that connects the thing to the thing..."

ALOL!