I hate fasting.. even something minor like tzom gedalia. but I confess that Yom Kippur is my favorite holiday. I love the swell of emotion, uplifting prayers, supplications and beseeching. No concert number can begin to pale in comparison to the prayers and activities of Yom Kippur.
Where do I start ? For one, the machzor packs in so much you barely have a minute to absorb anything. It's all raw emotion.
Some of the prayers are the most passionate pleading of any written work of history. One example if the chazan's shacharit repetition.
This day it is written הַיּוֹם יִכָּתֵב
בְּסֵֽפֶר הַזִּכְרוֹנוֹת.
in the Book of Remembrance,
הַחַיִּים וְהַמָּֽוֶת.
[who is for] life and [who for] death.
אָֽנָא כַּנָּה. עֽוּרִי נָא.
Please, [Yisrael, who is God's] vineyard, awake!
הִתְעוֹרְרִי נָא. עִמְדִי נָא.
Rouse yourselves and stand [in prayer]
הִתְיַצְּבִי נָא. קֽוּמִי נָא. חַלִּי נָא.
strengthen yourselves, rise up, plead,
בְּעַד הַנֶּֽפֶשׁ חֲנִי נָא.
for the sake of [your] soul, plead,
פְּנֵי דַר עֶלְיוֹן:
plead to Him Who dwells on high.
We humans are fickle. We fear silly things and shrug off real danger's. Sometimes we may have to remind ourselves to pay a bill or we will be evicted, or really do not do that to your boss or you will be fired and yes 9000 feet elevation is scary so please be careful!
And behold it's the 10th day of tishrey. We know this because the calendar says so, because everyone is in the synagogue..
This is the day!! Wake me up God!! Wake yourself up!
Make no mistake, the prayers are well orchestrated! They built up to the greatest climax never matched in any cinema setting.
The Torah reading describes Yom Kippur. Then comes the avoda. The avoda was intended to place us in the beit hamikdash. To connect us to the services. Lifney hashem titaharu! In potraits of incredible heights we are given a front seat view to the kohen gadol and the nation.
How can one not be overwhelmed and swept up by this ?!? How can one not feel themselves in the mikdash as the high priest proclaimed the mighty and beloved name of the holy one blessed be he.. and the whole nation including you kneels and bows !!
For me, the prayer of the high priest is most prounonced.. financial indepence, no miscarriage, the house of David should not pass.
And so I pray . Shnas Ora, shnas bracha etc..
But what if every day was yom Kippur.. what if every day I could muster such incredible emotions, such highs! Such fear and joy.. such belief and sober reality that today matters!! That today would affect my destiny and that of the nation of Israel
If only I would awake each day with awe and Joy. Ready to wage battle, to change, to improve, to be better..
But I don't, I wake each morning to the drone of life.. knowing that today is a stepping stone to tomorrow.. and today will fade like yesterday.. as life fades away.
I try to pray with emotion but it escapes me.. there's no "Ana slach na, mechol na, kaper na.. "
But maybe that's what life is about.. fireworks last a few minutes or hours and life resumes.
At the end of neilah we say shema yisrael. One is supposed to say it as if he's ready right now to give his life Al kiddush hashem. So over the years I thought in the sense that if someone is going to kill me right now ,I'm ready to die al Kiddush hashem. It doesn't really work because bh we have great security in the shull.. who is going to kill me ?!? Besides I lived in gush katif, Chevron and Jerusalem, I'm not scared to die al Kiddush hashem. I thought of what Rabbi soloveitchik said regarding the akeida, God doesn't want human sacrifices - he wants humans to sacrifice themselves. So, if the holy one blessed be he came to me during neilah and said "sacrifice your life Al kiddush hashem! Dedicate the rest of your life to doing my work!" Will I say yes! Or will I ask God how much it pays?!?
Well, that's a lot to think about!
I didn't keep track of times, but it was a good yk!
