(The lack of Onion headlines made me wonder what they might be saying, so I had a look.)
George Santos Signs With IMG Models
Baby Paranoid After Discovering Parents Bugged His Crib
New FanDuel 'Double Play' Contest Offers Users Chance To Win Back House
Second Camera Shows Surprise Guest Xi Jinping Backstage Reacting To Everything Biden Saying
California To Begin Offering Assisted Suicide To Any Over-30 Bachelor Currently Rewatching "Cowboy Bebop"*
(*Well-regarded Japanese animated TV show. I haven't seen it.)