Shlomo Yehuda Rechnitz Article

[Achas Veachas]

Whoa! What happened here?! All I asked was, if anyone read Mr. Rechintzes article??

Yes I did, happy now?

[Esther]

My two cents:
At age 19, the girls want the forever learners and primarily date those types. By age 22 they're generally out in the world and although they can still be good bais yaakov girls, they see what's out there. So when they date the forever learner who is in a yeshiva setting day in day out, they get turned off by his close-minded way of thinking. Yet these girls still want the learning. I think by age 23/24 many who wanted forever learning would ideally want a worker who is kovea itim and sincere about his yiddishkeit. The plus of getting married at a young age is what could be the negative. She's hasn't fully developed herself yet but she also doesn't have what to compare the guys to. On the other hand, when she is older she's more mature, has some money saved up, etc.

[shidduch]

Age contributes to immaturity, which leads to a number of issues. It's the root cause for a lot of symptoms.

@Shidduch, good post

Thanks.  All that being said, I will be encouraging all of my sons to get married young because it worked for me and hopefully my sons will not have built up too many hakpados when they are 20 or 21 and they will be able to get married more easily. 

I know there can be other issues of getting married very yound like parnassah and maturity, but the truth is that your never mature enough to be married until you are actually married.  I sure did a lot of growing up once I had to.  By allowing our boys to stay single till they are good and ready it makes the likelihood of them ever being ready much lower.

[Achas Veachas]

I know there can be other issues of getting married very yound like parnassah and maturity, but the truth is that your never mature enough to be married until you are actually married.  I sure did a lot of growing up once I had to.  By allowing our boys to stay single till they are good and ready it makes the likelihood of them ever being ready much lower.

Excellent point!

[MarkS]

A lot of it is a mindset. We grow up with plans to marry at 23. So at 20 we feel grossly immature for marriage.

If we grew up expecting to get married at 20 our mindset would be different and we'd mature a lot quicker.

I've heard many a 21 year old say - why get married soon when I can still 'enjoy' being a bochur for a few more years.

[PlatinumGuy]

I read the article and while I have nothing but respect for Mr Rechnitz, I think the "age" issue is just one symptom of a much greater illness not a cause.

As an aside, I think I am somewhat qualified to comment on this as I have been a shadchan for many years. 

The issue is not due to the age gap.  it is due to misplaced priorities.  While there is probably a higher percentage of single girls these days then there was in the alter heim, it is mainly societies fault for stressing all the unimportant things.  While I dont want to minimize the pain and suffering of many of the single people out there, much of is due to their own unrealistic expectations. 

After the holocaust, people just married the first Jewish person that they could find pretty much.  No one had money and people were just happy to find someone who was Jewish and alive. 

Today, the focus is on all the wrong things: money, looks, age, status, etc. 

As a result of this misplaced focus, many people are suffering because either they are being constantly rejected or they are rejecting people for all the wrong reasons. 

I see it all the time.  I get a fat shlubby 50 something year old who has never been married who wants to marry a girl of child bearing age. 
I have one question.  If you couldnt get a girl when you were 35 what on G-ds earth makes you think you will get a 35 year old now. 

People need to stop focusing on stupid details and just look for the 3 traits that the gemara says.  Rachmanus, Bayshanus and Gmilas Chesed.  Of course looks are nice, but they should not be to the exclusion of everything else. 

Further, the reason we have so much divorce today is a result of this me first attititude.

I agree that me-first is a major problem nowadays, and people turn others for the stupidest reasons in the world (קנאה תאווה  והכבוד(

Though what you want from people after the holocaust I don't know. And a guy wanting a child bearing woman isn't a stupid detail, even if it impractical.

[shidduch]

Yes, while there is a mitzvah of pru urvu, a yid shouldnt be having a kid unless they get married.  Let them worry more about getting married and then about having a child.  Because even if you cant have kids there is still a mitzvah of getting married.  A persons hishtadlus in terms of peru urvu should first be to get married. 

While a younger person does have a better chance of having kids.  I know many yound people who lo aleinu cant have kids and i know people who got married in there 50s that have kids.  By insisting on marrying a 35 year old you are effectively playing g-d and deciding who can and cant have kids.  Let g-d worry about that and let the single people worry about getting married.

Unfortunately, many of the single people who insist on conditions that make no sense do not actually want to get married.

[shidduch]

I just quoted about after the holocaust to bring about a point that when people dont focus on trivial points they are very likely to get married. 

[Baruch]

If in fact there are much more girls than boys because of age-gap, (it still hasn't been proven), then all the criticism about "me first" won't change a thing - there ain't enough boys - period.

Now Reb Rechnitz has to prove that there are more older girls than boys, and he has to prove that it's because of the age gap.

I believe that instead of throwing around millions of dollars to tweak the system. He should spend a half a million to do a real study.

If he proves that there are much more girls than boys, all the "me first" criticism won't change a thing!

[Drago]

If we grew up expecting to get married at 20 our mindset would be different and we'd mature a lot quicker.

I kind of disagree there. I don't think that when a guy is 16, 17, 18, 19, that he's thinking he needs to do A, B or C b/c he'll be getting married within a few years. He's a teenager, doing teenage nonsense.

[MarkS]

I kind of disagree there. I don't think that when a guy is 16, 17, 18, 19, that he's thinking he needs to do A, B or C b/c he'll be getting married within a few years. He's a teenager, doing teenage nonsense.

I'm referring to  the mindset. Mental preparation is subconscious.
 

[PlatinumGuy]

If in fact there are much more girls than boys because of age-gap, (it still hasn't been proven), then all the criticism about "me first" won't change a thing - there ain't enough boys - period.

Now Reb Rechnitz has to prove that there are more older girls than boys, and he has to prove that it's because of the age gap.

I believe that instead of throwing around millions of dollars to tweak the system. He should spend a half a million to do a real study.

If he proves that there are much more girls than boys, all the "me first" criticism won't change a thing!

Yes, while there is a mitzvah of pru urvu, a yid shouldnt be having a kid unless they get married.  Let them worry more about getting married and then about having a child.  Because even if you cant have kids there is still a mitzvah of getting married.  A persons hishtadlus in terms of peru urvu should first be to get married. 

First of all, even if you're right, you can't call that a stupid detail.

Secondly, I for one vehemently disagree. For a woman after menopause to bear a child is a נס גלוי.

Preferring a woman before or a woman after isn't

playing g-d and deciding who can and cant have kids.

any more than eating food instead of rocks is playing God and deciding what can and can't nourish you. (how would you describe the difference?)

Because even if you cant have kids there is still a mitzvah of getting married.  A persons hishtadlus in terms of peru urvu should first be to get married. 

I don't know where you take that from but to have kids is mitzvas eseh midoraisa akin to having a bris. It's far more important than the maamer chazal not to be שרוי בלא אישה.

Now don't get me wrong, I agree if there's no chance the guy should marry a 50 year old, but you should post a source for your halachic comments

I just quoted about after the holocaust to bring about a point that when people dont focus on trivial points they are very likely to get married. 

Don't see how that brings any point… nobody claimed if you'd hold a gun to people's head they wouldn't marry.

Thank god we don't have that desperation anymore.

If in fact there are much more girls than boys because of age-gap, (it still hasn't been proven), then all the criticism about "me first" won't change a thing - there ain't enough boys - period.

Now Reb Rechnitz has to prove that there are more older girls than boys, and he has to prove that it's because of the age gap.

I believe that instead of throwing around millions of dollars to tweak the system. He should spend a half a million to do a real study.

If he proves that there are much more girls than boys, all the "me first" criticism won't change a thing!

I think a census of 1000 families should give you the same data.

[aygart]

I think a census of 1000 families should give you the same data.

based on your knowledge of demographics or a boich svara?

[Sport]

There's a reason why these type of research cost 100s of thousands.

[PlatinumGuy]

There's a reason why these type of research cost 100s of thousands.

Who told you that's what it cost?

[churnbabychurn]

Where are our leaders on this crises?
Why are our leaders being led by various
advocate groups?
If there is a problem, this should be the concern of our leaders and THEY should dictate the solution.

פני הדור כפני הכלב

[aygart]

Where are our leaders on this crises?
Why are our leaders being led by various
advocate groups?
If there is a problem, this should be the concern of our leaders and THEY should dictate the solution.

פני הדור כפני הכלב

who is being led? I see the exact opposite. I see groups advocating something which the Roshei Yeshiva are not going along with no matter how much the groups quote them.

[Baruch]

[shidduch]

Im not making a halachic statement.  I am making a statement in terms of svara. 

If you cant have kids without getting married then the first priority is to get married plain and simple.  If your actions and wants make it more difficult to get married than you are not doing what you are supposed to do. 

Most older guys who want a 35 year old girl do not really want to get married.    Most of them are set in their ways and they use the 35 year old as an excuse. 

It like me being on welfare saying I wont take a job unless I make a million dollars a year.  It sets the bar unreasonably high and makes the probability of that happening very low.  First take a job and then worry about making a million dollars.

[zale]

I read the article and while I have nothing but respect for Mr Rechnitz, I think the "age" issue is just one symptom of a much greater illness not a cause.

As an aside, I think I am somewhat qualified to comment on this as I have been a shadchan for many years. 

The issue is not due to the age gap.  it is due to misplaced priorities.  While there is probably a higher percentage of single girls these days then there was in the alter heim, it is mainly societies fault for stressing all the unimportant things.  While I dont want to minimize the pain and suffering of many of the single people out there, much of is due to their own unrealistic expectations. 

After the holocaust, people just married the first Jewish person that they could find pretty much.  No one had money and people were just happy to find someone who was Jewish and alive. 

Today, the focus is on all the wrong things: money, looks, age, status, etc. 

As a result of this misplaced focus, many people are suffering because either they are being constantly rejected or they are rejecting people for all the wrong reasons. 

Your comment makes me believe that you have a very primitive viewpoint on Shidduchim. For starters, "looks" SHOULD be a priority for a man (he should find her pretty and attractive) and also for a woman (she should find him handsome). Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but at least the beholder must think she/he is attractive! This happens to be Da'as Torah.

I can agree with you only if this is taken to an extreme, such as a guy stating that he wants a particular size, shape and hair color, something which even the secular world would laugh at.

Now, let's talk money. The reason people (or their parents) seek to marry into a wealthy family is mainly so they shouldn't struggle with Parnassah, which is basically one of the most painful and stressful struggles in life. No, it's not the most comfortable thing to live off your in-laws, but sometimes people are willing to take that over the alternative. There are those people who want to marry into wealthy families for "status", and those people are idiots, but the vast majority marries for the former, and not the latter reason.

I see it all the time.  I get a fat shlubby 50 something year old who has never been married who wants to marry a girl of child bearing age. 
I have one question.  If you couldnt get a girl when you were 35 what on G-ds earth makes you think you will get a 35 year old now. 

This is irrelevant here. This thread is discussing Shidduchim at the average Shidduch age, not people who are 50. That is a different problem altogether, and this same guy would have the same dilemma in the secular world.

People need to stop focusing on stupid details and just look for the 3 traits that the gemara says.  Rachmanus, Bayshanus and Gmilas Chesed.  Of course looks are nice, but they should not be to the exclusion of everything else. 

Further, the reason we have so much divorce today is a result of this me first attititude.

No, you need to get out of 1872 and realize that we are in 2014. Find me a Bochur that will marry a morbidly obese girl because she is a wonderful Ba'alas Chesed, of find me a girl that will marry a guy that is wheelchair bound because he is a Baki B'shas and then we'll continue this conversation.

I don't want to judge you, but based on your comments it sounds like you will be going the way of Radio Shack and Kodak if you don't wake up soon.