Shlomo Yehuda Rechnitz Article

[churnbabychurn]

It doesnt pass for him to read and answer all of us simple folk

Yeah, he's way ahead of the curve on these things...

[churnbabychurn]

Is abundantly clear that the hashkafa of chazal, and daas Torah today, generally is that one should marry early. This is for two reasons: a: positive commandment of Peru urevu. b: difficulty in dealing with the yetzer hara.
There is a heter, generally assumed to be up until age 24, for one that is like Ben azai. Therefore, the freezer, which assumes that no one in BMG is not fully involved..., should be wrong.

For more info about the hashkafa of marrying early and the freezer, Yudel shain just posted select pages and haskamos from the kuntres on it.
If you are interested here is the link.

[henche]

For more info about the hashkafa of marrying early and the freezer, Yudel shain just posted select pages and haskamos from the kuntres on it.
If you are interested here is the link.

Luckily, the people in question are currently learning in yeshiva, so their rebbeim can simply klap on the bima and tell them what they want them to do. 

[aygart]

For more info about the hashkafa of marrying early and the freezer, Yudel shain just posted select pages and haskamos from the kuntres on it.
If you are interested here is the link.

not sure why the writer is picking on "the freezer". It is a bit silly to be busy with specifically those three months

[Chaikel]

I did my own informal study a few years ago and found something interesting. Roughly 90-95% of girls who were single after dating for 2-3 years were virtually never giving a guy a second date. I don't know if this is cause or effect, but I found it interesting.


Personally I think it's cause, as these girls are convinced that they can size up guys after 1 date, but for the most part they're wrong 100% of the time

[AnonymousUser]

I did my own informal study a few years ago and found something interesting. Roughly 90-95% of girls who were single after dating for 2-3 years were virtually never giving a guy a second date. I don't know if this is cause or effect, but I found it interesting.


Personally I think it's cause, as these girls are convinced that they can size up guys after 1 date, but for the most part they're wrong 100% of the time

What about guys?

[MC]

I did my own informal study a few years ago and found something interesting. Roughly 90-95% of girls who were single after dating for 2-3 years were virtually never giving a guy a second date. I don't know if this is cause or effect, but I found it interesting.


Personally I think it's cause, as these girls are convinced that they can size up guys after 1 date, but for the most part they're wrong 100% of the time

In all fairness, in nearly every one of my "one and done" dates, both sides mutually agreed that there was no point to a second. It's not always the girl.

[ashers]

I did my own informal study a few years ago and found something interesting. Roughly 90-95% of girls who were single after dating for 2-3 years were virtually never giving a guy a second date. I don't know if this is cause or effect, but I found it interesting.


Personally I think it's cause, as these girls are convinced that they can size up guys after 1 date, but for the most part they're wrong 100% of the time

I agree 100%
When I set people up (Thankfully we've made a bunch of shidduchim by now) I have a condition of 2 dates, otherwise I will not set up the guy/girl ever again
I got this hadracha from my rabbi and I strongly believe in it & it has proven itself a whole bunch of times
Not to say there cant be that one exception every now and then when a person knows for certain that they are turned off by the guy/girl they were set up with but as a general rule I believe one should always give another date.

[Chaikel]

What about guys?

Prevalent, but not nearly as big of a problem for a few reasons. Most girls saying no after 1 date don't have a real reason other than "they don't see it working out" or just something "they feel" (or they just find an excuse which isn't really what they think, but is the closest thing they can grab onto) which is a purely emotional reaction to something which is often irrelevant and often is calmed on the second date when guys with limited exposure to the opposite gender get slightly more comfortable. The guys they feel comfortable with immediately are often smoother from "too much" exposure if you know what I mean. Which is great for dates 1,2, and maybe 3, but then they start realizing what type of person he is and can't marry him.
Guys on the other hand are more likely (although not always) to have a logical reason if they are saying no after 1. Might be a nareshkeit, but the odds of that nareshkeit going away after a second date are less, so it's less of a solution to push them on a second date.

In all fairness, in nearly every one of my "one and done" dates, both sides mutually agreed that there was no point to a second. It's not always the girl.

Of course there are guys that say no after 1 date, but as history and hollywood have proven its rarely mutual. Both genders can feel the need to jump the gun. Guys as a sense of macho pride, and girls as not to get burned emotionally. Most people can pick up when the other side will say no. However if there was a 2 date minimum rule, then people can put aside the race of who can say no first and actually decide on whether they themselves are interested in moving on without trying to figure out what the other parties answer will be.

I agree 100%
When I set people up (Thankfully we've made a bunch of shidduchim by now) I have a condition of 2 dates, otherwise I will not set up the guy/girl ever again
I got this hadracha from my rabbi and I strongly believe in it & it has proven itself a whole bunch of times
Not to say there cant be that one exception every now and then when a person knows for certain that they are turned off by the guy/girl they were set up with but as a general rule I believe one should always give another date.

Wow. I'm glad there is someone who agrees with me. Every rosh yeshiva (from ads in Jewish magazines, that doesn't seem to mean much) and major shadchan I went to agreed with me. The shadchanim all told me the same thing. If they would implement a rule like that they would lose most of their business to the competition. I've offered to bet single girls if they say yes to a second date for a year and are still not married. Not one was willing to take the bet. Seems like most of them realize this issue deep down

[Chaikel]

Another big part of the problem is shadchanim who have no clue what they are doing. You wouldn't believe some of the stories that have come my way. Some people think it's a mitzva to rehd every girl to any guy that'll listen (or to encourage shadchachanim to rehd shiduchim that have no shaychus with the incentive of a bounty).

Think about it for a minute. If every boy was only rehd 2-3 shiduchim a month, the ratio of girls rehd to getting yeses would skyrocket, which inturn would give more dates to more girls. When the average Lakewood guy is getting rehd 30+ girls a month, obviously they go for the few girls that are the most desirable so the same few girls get yeses, while the (and I shudder to use this term, I only mean colloquially) "inferior" girls get shuffled to the bottom of everyones pile. The better solution is to encourage shadchanim to rehd less shiduchim, not more. (This point was made in the beginning of the thread, just reiterating and elaborating)

[aygart]

In all fairness, in nearly every one of my "one and done" dates, both sides mutually agreed that there was no point to a second. It's not always the girl.

That wouldn't make it virtually never.

[MC]

Prevalent, but not nearly as big of a problem for a few reasons. Most girls saying no after 1 date don't have a real reason other than "they don't see it working out" or just something "they feel" (or they just find an excuse which isn't really what they think, but is the closest thing they can grab onto) which is a purely emotional reaction to something which is often irrelevant and often is calmed on the second date when guys with limited exposure to the opposite gender get slightly more comfortable. The guys they feel comfortable with immediately are often smoother from "too much" exposure if you know what I mean. Which is great for dates 1,2, and maybe 3, but then they start realizing what type of person he is and can't marry him.
Guys on the other hand are more likely (although not always) to have a logical reason if they are saying no after 1. Might be a nareshkeit, but the odds of that nareshkeit going away after a second date are less, so it's less of a solution to push them on a second date.
Of course there are guys that say no after 1 date, but as history and hollywood have proven its rarely mutual. Both genders can feel the need to jump the gun. Guys as a sense of macho pride, and girls as not to get burned emotionally. Most people can pick up when the other side will say no. However if there was a 2 date minimum rule, then people can put aside the race of who can say no first and actually decide on whether they themselves are interested in moving on without trying to figure out what the other parties answer will be.
Wow. I'm glad there is someone who agrees with me. Every rosh yeshiva (from ads in Jewish magazines, that doesn't seem to mean much) and major shadchan I went to agreed with me. The shadchanim all told me the same thing. If they would implement a rule like that they would lose most of their business to the competition. I've offered to bet single girls if they say yes to a second date for a year and are still not married. Not one was willing to take the bet. Seems like most of them realize this issue deep down

I agree with some points, especially as to the reasonings behind each party saying no for reasons that don't necessarily pertain to the shidduch. Unfortunate, but true that girls feel the need to protect themselves from getting "burned."
However, I've had many shadchanim implement the two date rule (since it's basic common courtesy when flying is involved for a date), and even then, when you know after one date that it's a no-go, things almost always stay the same after a second date too.
BUT, I'm talking about saying no for a concrete reason, not just because one side "isn't feeling it."

[Chaikel]

However, I've had many shadchanim implement the two date rule (since it's basic common courtesy when flying is involved for a date), and even then, when you know after one date that it's a no-go, things almost always stay the same after a second date too.
BUT, I'm talking about saying no for a concrete reason, not just because one side "isn't feeling it."

I agree with that. When one side is flying in, if there is a no anyway, it's generally for the right reasons, because they are going out with a 2 date mindset. But generally there is a 2nd date in those situations. That's where I got the idea from.

If you are being rehd people that are totally no shaychus, then you have to tweak your methods to weed those out before getting to a date.

[PraiseCanada]

Joan Rivers talks about Shiduch problems in 1967

[Mordyk]

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/mailbag/257011/mailbag-a-singles-perspective-an-open-response-to-article-by-reb-shlomo-yehuda-rechnitz.html

[sky121]

I think she has some very valid points.

[efflpetzel]

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/mailbag/257011/mailbag-a-singles-perspective-an-open-response-to-article-by-reb-shlomo-yehuda-rechnitz.html

this was written as a letter in the mishpacha two weeks ago,

really sad

[sky121]

this was written as a letter in the mishpacha two weeks ago,

really sad

Sad she had to write it. We, in the drum society are creating more problems than there are already.

[gogreen]

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/mailbag/257011/mailbag-a-singles-perspective-an-open-response-to-article-by-reb-shlomo-yehuda-rechnitz.html

I don't agree with much of her response.
If reading these types of articles make her sad or uncomfortable then dont read it. Its not even aimed at singles themselves but rather at our society in general & to address changes that should be made in it.

Secondly, the comparison to the secular view of a 25 year old single girl is very irrelevant & mistaken. Of course 25 is young in the grand scheme of things but when your major goal is to build a family there's a clock ticking.

[Mordyk]

I don't agree with much of her response.
If reading these types of articles make her sad or uncomfortable then dont read it. Its not even aimed at singles themselves but rather at our society in general & to address changes that should be made in it.

Secondly, the comparison to the secular view of a 25 year old single girl is very irrelevant & mistaken. Of course 25 is young in the grand scheme of things but when your major goal is to build a family there's a clock ticking.

+1.   Totally agree with your comment