Author Topic: GOP Purim shpiel  (Read 525 times)

Offline chaimmayer

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GOP Purim shpiel
« on: March 19, 2016, 10:00:21 PM »
I started working on a,purim shpiel for my shul which for whatever reason we are probably not putting on in the end.  I thought it was half descent so I am sharing it with my virtual friends here.  Feel free to comment or add lines.

P.s. We really are looking for a new youth director (it's a position for a yungerman who wants to do Kiruv with children) so if you know someone please pm me.

moderator:  As you are all surely aware we are actively looking for a new youth Rabbi here at Our shul.  The good news is that we have interviewed many candidaates and met many promising young rabbis.  We have managed to narrow down our list to just four candidates and we are proud to present them to you tonight. 

We figured the best way to hire someone that everyone will be pleased with is to have them all stand together on stage and allow you to meet them.  Each candidate will be asked questions and given 2 minutes to answer the questions.  If per chance one of the candidates mentions another candidate in his answer then the one whose name was mentioned will be given 30 seconds to issue a rebuttal.    We encourage audience participation but would like to maintain a certain level of decorum.  Let's try to have the audience louder than they are during the rabbi's sermon but quieter than the typical volume during the Torah reading and the chazzan's repetition.

Each candidate will be given 30 seconds to make an opening statement.

#1  We are living in unbeleivable times.  This coming generation can be greater than any previous generation in Etz Chaim's history.  We are poised for success and as you're new youth rabbi I will make that happen. I will teach the children to have a love for Israel and I will make sure they know that the true capital of Israel is Jerusalem.  Sometimes people think that Israelis are a bit rude but we all realize that they are our only true friends and I will do all I can to show them how much we value that friendship.  People ask me do you really care about the youth?  My own children are youth.  If I would do anything to hurt the youth it would affect them so of course i care about the youth.

#2  I am the perfect candidate for this job.  I worked with ncsy national and I helped create top notch programs with a perfect balance working within my budget.  Later I moved to a small community and replecated that success.  I am prepared to move the next big stage - your community and do this all on a lager scale.  And let me tell you I know what I am doing so I won't need 100 days to figure things out.  i will hit the ground running.  If you are going to choose someone to be in charge of the youth shouldn't it be an adult?

#3 I will make Etz Chaim's youth program great again!  Beleive me there is no one standing on this stage who is better qualified than me to lead the youth department.  I have had much success in business which puts me in a very unique position.  When it works to my adavantage I can claim that my business knowledge will help me run the youth here at Etz Chaim.  When it appears to be a disadvantage I will just explain that I acted that way because I was a business man but believe me I will act differently as the head of the youth.

#4  My family was not originally part of the Jewish Religion.  My father travelled to meet up with the Jews.  All he had with him was $100 in his underwear and he had to get a job washing dishes.  This was especially challenging because he needed to learn to not mix the met and milk dishes!  I am not someone who only recently decided to present himself as interested in the youth.  You can check my voting record.  I have always cared about the youth and represented those values.  I urge you when you consider who you would like for this position think of someone who consistently represented youth values.

Moderator:  This is a question for number one.  There has been talk recently about your  verbal attacks on candidate number three.  Do you think it is possible to have a civil discussion with him?
#1 YES!
#3 Liar!
#1 wuold you let me talk?
#3 no you are a loser and no one likes you.
#1 there you go with the attacks again.  Tell me do you have any plans with any substance or is attacking al you can do?
#3 you want substance?  I plan on making a new mechitza in the shul and it will prevent any women from having anything to do with the men's section.  And I will tell you something else!  The women will pay to have it built.
#1 what are you talking about?
#3 Pipe down little guy!
#1 Why would the women pay for a mechitza that makes it harder for them to see what is going on during davening?
#3 Believe me they will do as I tell them.  They will pay to build that mechitza and it will be great!

#4 Can I add something?  You claim now to be representing ultra orthodox lakewood values but you didn't always.  You gave money ten times to the Reform movement.  You can't have it both ways.  You cannot give money to the reform movement and claim to support black hat values.  I believe that the Torah was given at Har Sinai and we cannot make any changes to it.  The Torah today is meant to be interpreted exactly as it was given.  If you want someone who will do that and hire ncsy advisiors who support those same values the choice is clear.  You need to choose me.

#2  I never get a chance to speak much but I would like to mention if this is important to you I was there when the Torah was given.  I was there at Mount Sinai And I helped Hashem teach the Torah and then when I moved I replicated that on a smaller level.  I have done all of this already and I will do it again for your youth.

Offline skyguy918

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Re: GOP Purim shpiel
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2016, 10:14:57 PM »
Lol. My Rov actually said about Trump this Shabbos, "He's a purim shpiel, just one big purim shpiel."