POLL: Wedding expenses in the frum Community - BH for simchos? or out of hand?

[aygart]

I do take issue with people splurging on EVERY part of their simcha, especially when they are doing it to impress their guests and not because it is important to the baal simcha.

I take issue with them doing so when they can't afford it or a raising the bar for others who can't afford it. Even more so with any splurge when the money is coming from tzedaka.

[Sammy82]

I take issue with them doing so when they can't afford it or a raising the bar for others who can't afford it. Even more so with any splurge when the money is coming from tzedaka.

There was a Headlines episode about this a year or two ago. I forgot who it was but the posek (I think maybe Rabbi Berkovitz and one other) said that for someone who could afford it, there is nothing wrong with somebody splurging. When asked about raising the bar and creating peer pressure, the response was that that is not a reason that one can't do it (although one who does make that cheshbon and tone it down a little, harei zeh meshubach). Will try finding it and posting a link.

[aygart]

There was a Headlines episode about this a year or two ago. I forgot who it was but the posek (I think maybe Rabbi Berkovitz and one other) said that for someone who could afford it, there is nothing wrong with somebody splurging. When asked about raising the bar and creating peer pressure, the response was that that is not a reason that one can't do it (although one who does make that cheshbon and tone it down a little, harei zeh meshubach). Will try finding it and posting a link.

Or at least that is how it was presented on Headlines

[Thrifty]

This is your opinion

Hence my saying "I". 

[TimT]

Point is, everyone could do whatever they want if they have the money. But people who are stressing how they’re going to make a $40k or even $15k bar mitzva, there are cheaper options available.

[skyguy918]

Also for those who have multiple boys. The first Bar Mitzva may be super hard to plan and juggle all the logistics, but the consecutive ones will be much easier because you have already done it. If you can push yourself to skip the party planner the first time you'll be saving much more on the next bar mitzva/s.

This is true, but it also goes both ways. If you really clamp down on your expenses the first time, and later by a younger child you feel like you for sure can afford more, you risk making the older boy(s) feel bad. And of course as you said, if you spend a lot, you'll either let your younger boys down if you can't afford it later, or be locked into spending more than you're comfortable spending later to avoid that letdown.

My wife was talking to a close friend about their planning for their oldest's upcoming BM. They're willing to splurge a little because they only have 1 other boy. For our oldest (of 5 boys k"h) in that same grade, we're going to be a lot more careful about it because we have 4 future BM to keep in mind.

[Just A Jew]

This is true, but it also goes both ways. If you really clamp down on your expenses the first time, and later by a younger child you feel like you for sure can afford more, you risk making the older boy(s) feel bad. And of course as you said, if you spend a lot, you'll either let your younger boys down if you can't afford it later, or be locked into spending more than you're comfortable spending later to avoid that letdown.

My wife was talking to a close friend about their planning for their oldest's upcoming BM. They're willing to splurge a little because they only have 1 other boy. For our oldest (of 5 boys k"h) in that same grade, we're going to be a lot more careful about it because we have 4 future BM to keep in mind.

As an oldest with a bunch of younger brothers, I think most of us get to the point in our late teens where we realize that nothing about our younger siblings' upbringing is the same as ours was. Price of being the guinea pig. We also usually have a front row seat to changing financial circumstances. We'll give our parents a hard time about it, but I don't think our feelings really get hurt.

I say we, because that's been my personal experience, as well as the sentiments I've gathered from friends and acquaintances, but I obviously don't speak for everyone, so you likely still have a point.

[skyguy918]

As an oldest with a bunch of younger brothers, I think most of us get to the point in our late teens where we realize that nothing about our younger siblings' upbringing is the same as ours was. Price of being the guinea pig. We also usually have a front row seat to changing financial circumstances. We'll give our parents a hard time about it, but I don't think our feelings really get hurt.

I say we, because that's been my personal experience, as well as the sentiments I've gathered from friends and acquaintances, but I obviously don't speak for everyone, so you likely still have a point.

Every kid and every situation is different. But I'd rather set myself up for success with a little foresight. First of all, if we're talking about having struggling financially to maintain the standard you set with your older simchos, obviously that's difficult for the parents. If we're talking about having to lower the standard, it's the 13 year old potentially hurt by it, not the 'late teens'. Even if we're talking about raising the standard down the line, it may not have been an issue for you, but I know of enough instances of this exact family drama to want to avoid it where possible.

[Moshe Green]

Not talking necessity here, but the pictures from a professional photographer and the pictures from amateurs and phones don't compare at all.

True.
In our family, one of the sisters learned photography but doesnt practice and an uncle never officially learned but has tons of experience and expensive equipment. So we get pretty much the same result.

On the other hand, if there was just a Chasuna 6 months before and there will be another one in another 6 months, like some people have, why splurge on great family pictures when you just got good ones and will be getting professional ones in another 6 months... It really depends on the situation.

[Moshe Green]

This is true, but it also goes both ways. If you really clamp down on your expenses the first time, and later by a younger child you feel like you for sure can afford more, you risk making the older boy(s) feel bad. And of course as you said, if you spend a lot, you'll either let your younger boys down if you can't afford it later, or be locked into spending more than you're comfortable spending later to avoid that letdown.

My wife was talking to a close friend about their planning for their oldest's upcoming BM. They're willing to splurge a little because they only have 1 other boy. For our oldest (of 5 boys k"h) in that same grade, we're going to be a lot more careful about it because we have 4 future BM to keep in mind.

We just made our first Bar Mitzva, and it was the first one of the extended family, recently and davka made it on the lower end in order to make it easier for subsequent siblings (who we know have less) to make theirs cheaper. Also we have many boys Everyone enjoyed and we were able to make it through without any debt B"H (We did get a bit of help).

[whacked1]

We just made our first Bar Mitzva, and it was the first one of the extended family, recently and davka made it on the lower end in order to make it easier for subsequent siblings (who we know have less) to make theirs cheaper. Also we have many boys Everyone enjoyed and we were able to make it through without any debt B"H (We did get a bit of help).

Mazel tov!

i always thought you were around 21.

[imayid2]

Many of my classmates, including myself, did not have weekday bar mitzva event at a hall, rather some sort of siyum for just the class at home. The main event was only on shabbos, kiddush for neighbors and meals for the extended family.

I don’t think that really flys anymore.

[Moshe123]

This is all bizarre.

 A little off topic but...

I live somewhat out of town within the tri state area,  that used to be considered low key, although that has been changing over the last 0 to 20 years.

I estimate that I need $40k - $50k for my son's bar mitzvah in a few years.

$8k kiddush (including party planner and catering)
$12k 2 meals for 75 people plus shalosh seidos and general cost of hosting- don't forget its out of town,  so lots of guest.

$6k tefillin, leining lessons,  clothing for bar mitzvah boy and family
$10k even party/affair including hall rental, catering, party planning, music,  photography etc.
$5k plus since I know I'm underestimating somewhere plus general inflation over the next few years


Thoughts?

פארריקט!

[Moshe Green]

Mazel tov!

i always thought you were around 21.

Thank youX2!

I try to keep up a young attitude. It's healthier and more enjoyable.