Dear Spirit Airlines:
I have some ideas how you could make more money and I’m baffled as to why you didn’t already incorporate these ideas into your prices. I can’t believe you didn’t think of them yourself, but just in case you didn’t, I’m sending them to you so you can start charging for them right away.
o Only allow a set body weight to be included in the ticket. Charge anyone who weighs more than, say, 150 lb. a $2 surcharge for every pound above the limit.
o Limit passengers to wearing only a shirt, a pair of pants, and shoes. Sweaters should cost $10, coats $20, etc.
o Lap-children should be charged based on their age and the amount of noise they make during the flight.
o Put a credit card machine on the bathroom door on all your airplanes and charge a fee for access.
o Flights with weather-related delays should retroactively bill more for the ticket because the crew has to be paid overtime.
o Also add a “mandatory gratuity” if the plane takes off on time. After all, everyone expected it to be delayed.
o Create self-serve flights, so that you can add a surcharge for full-service flights with pilots and stewardesses.
o Add a customer service surcharge and legal fees to all tickets, because everyone is bound to complain about something.
o Start charging for carry-ons. Oh, I forgot. You already do.
o Charge for beverages. Oh right, you do that too.
o Charge an access fee for using the jet-bridge. Staircase access will stay free.
o Add an expensive landing surcharge because everyone will be willing to pay just about anything to get down once they’re in the air.
o Because cell phones require extra crew scrutiny to assure they’re off, all phones should have to be checked, in separate bags of course (make up a FAA regulation or something like that).
o Charge an access fee for using the aisle. After all, if there wasn’t an aisle you would be able to fit a lot more seats.
o Place a “donate to Spirit” charity box on top of every seat. You never know how stupid people will be.
o Add a “Pearl Harbor Security Fee”. After all, nobody complains about the September 11th Fee.
Thanks for taking the time to read my letter. I look forward to seeing some of these ideas implemented in the near future, so I can be more confident in my decision to never ever fly Spirit.
A Frequent Flyer
