Author Topic: My letter to Spirit  (Read 5225 times)

Offline Tim

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Re: My letter to Spirit
« Reply #45 on: May 29, 2016, 03:56:59 AM »
Dear Spirit Airlines:
 
I have some ideas how you could make more money and I’m baffled as to why you didn’t already incorporate these ideas into your prices. I can’t believe you didn’t think of them yourself, but just in case you didn’t, I’m sending them to you so you can start charging for them right away.

o Only allow a set body weight to be included in the ticket. Charge anyone who weighs more than, say, 150 lb. a $2 surcharge for every pound above the limit.
o Limit passengers to wearing only a shirt, a pair of pants, and shoes. Sweaters should cost $10, coats $20, etc.
o Lap-children should be charged based on their age and the amount of noise they make during the flight.
o Put a credit card machine on the bathroom door on all your airplanes and charge a fee for access.
o Flights with weather-related delays should retroactively bill more for the ticket because the crew has to be paid overtime.
o Also add a “mandatory gratuity” if the plane takes off on time. After all, everyone expected it to be delayed.
o Create self-serve flights, so that you can add a surcharge for full-service flights with pilots and stewardesses.
o Add a customer service surcharge and legal fees to all tickets, because everyone is bound to complain about something.
o Start charging for carry-ons. Oh, I forgot. You already do.
o Charge for beverages. Oh right, you do that too.
o Charge an access fee for using the jet-bridge. Staircase access will stay free.
o Add an expensive landing surcharge because everyone will be willing to pay just about anything to get down once they’re in the air.
o Because cell phones require extra crew scrutiny to assure they’re off, all phones should have to be checked, in separate bags of course (make up a FAA regulation or something like that).
o Charge an access fee for using the aisle. After all, if there wasn’t an aisle you would be able to fit a lot more seats.
o Place a “donate to Spirit” charity box on top of every seat. You never know how stupid people will be.
o Add a “Pearl Harbor Security Fee”. After all, nobody complains about the September 11th Fee.

Thanks for taking the time to read my letter. I look forward to seeing some of these ideas implemented in the near future, so I can be more confident in my decision to never ever fly Spirit.

A Frequent Flyer

Dear Frequent Flyer,

Thank you for your letter. Our marketing department was quite happy with your suggestions. We would like to respond to each of your points, however, if we miss one or two, we already know that you don't mind because you have flown us, and well, you know we miss stuff all the time. So, here goes:

We have been kicking around the extra weight problem for a long while now. As you may know, it costs us additional fuel to haul around the extra weight, so we will implement a "fuel surcharge fee". To be fair, we are going to add it to everyones ticket, basically because we can.

Limiting customers attire is an outstanding way of forcing our favorite frequent fliers to cough up more cash for a checked bag at the gate. Thank you.

We would really rather ban lap kids altogether, and force people to just buy an extra seat. I mean, really folks, that crying ball of throw up becomes a missile during any turbulence.

Ryan Air (our sister company on the other side of the pond) thought of this one first. We did a test study for a brief time. Turns out our customers will just relieve them selves in the isle as opposed to swiping their credit cards for a "clean, comfortable and private" lavatory.

You think we actually PAY our pilots?  Hahaha. No, our pilots are in worse financial shape than the majority of our customers, and that's really saying something.

No mandatory gratuity, we don't want to get the poor pilots hopes up.

We have tried to get rid of our pesky crew for self flying drones on a number of occasions. The FAA has been stubbornly unaccepting of progress. Please write your congress critter and let them know that the FAA should allow Spirit to spearhead progressive steps in technology. You have no idea how much we would really like to fire more employees.

The legal fees you discuss are already included in the cost of your ticket. We just have not bothered to break that out as an additional fee item. Just because you don't see it doesn't mean we are not charging you for it.

Of course we charge for carry ons. And if you are too lazy to read the fine print, and fail to pay for that carry on when you book the ticket, you will pay three times as much for it when you get to the gate.

Beverages, they cost money, you are a captive audience. Duhhh. We have also tried to make the cabbin air even dryer in the hopes of selling additional inflight beverages.

It actualy would cost us more to use air stairs than a jet bridge.

Landing surcharge is under government fees. We already charge that.

Cell phones don't actually bother any of the sensitive equipment on the aircraft. First, sensitive equipment costs money to maintain, cost to train crew, and it is heavy, so we just got rid of it. As an aside, that's also the real reason for the "bad weather delays", we don't have the equipment required to fly through, or even anywhere near that stuff. Second, because we don't pay our flight crew anything, allowing them to hassle the crap out of our customers re cell phones is really a perk for them. Some companies give perks like medical insurance, we give hassling the crap out of the customer.

Again, the FAA is at the bottom of this problem. They claim the aisle is an emergency egres route, and must remain clear. We countered with another idea from our sister company, Ryan Air, that we sell standing room in the aisle, and people just hold on to a rail, like on a bus. The FAA, however, just is not progressive enough in their thinking on the matter.

In a test trial of donation boxes, we found the crew would raid them between flights in order to purchase alcoholic beverages prior to their next flight. Supposedly this was to help the cabin crew deal with complaining customers, and the flight crew to sleep in the cockpit (that way they could be awake for the job that actually pays them... Flipping burgers).

You would be surprised how many people complain about the Sept. 11 fee.

Well, that about wraps up this letter. I hope that we have touched on all of your concerns. If we have failed to meet your expectations in any way, please feel free to book one of our super great awesome cheap fares to where ever, and complain to your cabin crew. As long as they have not been raiding the donation boxes again, I'm sure they will be happy to discuss it with you.

Sincerely yours,
Spirit Management.




Offline YitzyS

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Re: My letter to Spirit
« Reply #46 on: May 29, 2016, 02:07:15 PM »
Tim, that's AWESOME! ROTFL!!!
Is there a clever way to solicit likes without sounding like a classless wannabee?

Offline Tim

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Re: My letter to Spirit
« Reply #47 on: May 30, 2016, 06:11:45 PM »
Tim, that's AWESOME! ROTFL!!!

Glad ya liked it. Too bad there is so much truth to it. Haha.

Online ExGingi

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Re: My letter to Spirit
« Reply #48 on: May 30, 2016, 08:16:03 PM »
Glad ya liked it. Too bad there is so much truth to it. Haha.
If it weren't true it would just be ridiculous. It's the fact that it resonates so true that brings about the ROFL reactions.
I've been waiting over 5 years with bated breath for someone to say that!
-- Dan

Offline 3yummyboys

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Re: My letter to Spirit
« Reply #49 on: June 02, 2016, 01:36:20 PM »
Tim, that's AWESOME! ROTFL!!!

+1 loved the response

Online Luvisrael

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Re: My letter to Spirit
« Reply #50 on: July 31, 2016, 11:03:10 PM »
My problem is that most ppl end up spending the same on a spirit flight once they pay for all of the additional fees. They see a good fare and don't realize.
Hey, I just booked on spirit and noticed this post. What fees should I expect??? Im flying with my wife and baby and don't expect to bring along more than a suit case and carryon.

Online Luvisrael

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Re: My letter to Spirit
« Reply #51 on: July 31, 2016, 11:07:59 PM »
Hey, I just booked on spirit and noticed this post. What fees should I expect??? Im flying with my wife and baby and don't expect to bring along more than a suit case and carryon.
Never mind, I just checked it out; it will cost abt $170 more for the carry on and checked bag!!!