Dating in the jewish world while disabled

[skyguy918]

I think shidduchim is one of the few places it is ok to discriminate. No person should have to compromise if they don't want to. It doesn't matter how superficial it is or what others think. I've read some people's lists of requirements and thought they were pretty crazy but it isn't my life to lead.

While I agree with this, when a person is extremely 'discriminating', they probably shouldn't complain when they can't find someone who fits the bill. And they shouldn't be surprised if people get frustrated when others stop trying to set them up because no one is good enough.

[Denverite]

While I agree with this, when a person is extremely 'discriminating', they probably shouldn't complain when they can't find someone who fits the bill. And they shouldn't be surprised if people get frustrated when others stop trying to set them up because no one is good enough.

+1 Obviously no one has to compromise if they don't want to but then there are consequences to this personal choice (like every other choice).  I think this issue is the biggest part of the "shidduch crisis" for men and women, we just see it more with women because as they age their dating pool shrinks more sharply and rapidly.

Thanks denverite.

But I'm just using her and the article as an example. I never used matchmakers or bothered with online dating.

A close friend of mine who is a shliach, hounded me to date a girl, maybe it was a good match but the way it was presented was that I have problems and she does and hey 2 pieces to the puzzle.

Well you ever do a puzzle and 2 pieces are alike at first but don't fit?

I'm just turned off in general to get offers simply because I may be considered disabled and so is she.

It's insulting and offensive to both of them.

meanwhile, while the world was often cruel to me when I was young, thank god I thrive amongst hundreds of friends (if I said thousands, the ddf police will call me out..  But somehow I feel I have thousands of friends?!)

You guys thankfully don't have these challenges, I'll be honest here, there's not enough tears in the world to describe being in shull on rosh hashana, in your head you hear them singing the daled bavos, you hear the bracha, and you hear the shofar blast and it's all in your head.

Can you imagine what it's like putting on tefillen when you've #1 lost coordination in your right hand, still considered a halachik righty, have 2 large tumors in the palm of your left hand, drop your Shel rosh when putting it on your hand and crying to god when saying shema because still, still with all this you love god bechol levavcha, bechol nafshecha, bechol meodecha.

These are real every day struggles I went through. Thank god I got my hearing back, I got the tumors out.

But the struggles between man and god I can't change, those are intimate. I love god, we fight, we make up.

But the struggles of humanity, that's bs. Judaism evolves around marriage and having kids and building a home.

Why, why should I put myself in the court of public opinion, I do it here for the odd shits and giggles or to express opinions but why would someone disabled reality disabled or not have to be dragged in public.

So, I'm sure my soul mate is out there, I know I have a lot to offer, great wine is certainly one of them, but hell no I'd never go date random blind dates or get near a matchmaker, I'm not a curiosity circus.

Everything you are writing is breaking my heart and you are right it is flippin' HARD to put yourself out there!!  Also, the more I think about it maybe you shouldn't do the normal shidduch dating because a lot of it is offensive.

It still makes me sad that you have basically stated here that you don't have the energy to try to be in a serious relationship (and trust me it is freaking emotionally exhausting, especially when you throw in kids...lol).  I might get in trouble with the more, right wing crowd here, but why not try some frum online dating though?  It might actually be perfect for you because don't put a picture if you don't want, write a kick butt, hilarious description of yourself (which already comes through in your posts) and you can still explain your disability, health issues, ahead so you don't have to be nervous about being rejected for that reason.  Any women that want to be in touch with you already know your schtick and did so because of your caustic sense of humor, you'll have lots of great wine, love travel and adventure and you want to take your wife on awesome free trips in J.  Heck, I practically just wrote it for you!    True, I happen to think judgy, sometimes jack@SS guys are hilarious but so do lots of other women and yes I just called you that but it in positive way...lol.  Also, quite frankly it is WAY easier for a man in general because women are not as fixated about looks but are maybe more judgy if men don't have other aspects of their lives together (so it helps to have your other stuff put together). 

Seriously, the crux of any person's dating journey is to figure out how to "put themselves out there" in the least painful way, become as attractive possible on all levels (not just outwardly) and be emotionally in a place where you truly want to give to others (I'm sensing too much anger and hurt from you and this girl in the article to do that right now) so that everyone senses that part of you and it will be very attractive all the people you meet and put you in a place to actually have a good relationship.

[cmey]

+1 Obviously no one has to compromise if they don't want to but then there are consequences to this personal choice (like every other choice).  I think this issue is the biggest part of the "shidduch crisis" for men and women, we just see it more with women because as they age their dating pool shrinks more sharply and rapidly.

Everything you are writing is breaking my heart and you are right it is flippin' HARD to put yourself out there!!  Also, the more I think about it maybe you shouldn't do the normal shidduch dating because a lot of it is offensive.

It still makes me sad that you have basically stated here that you don't have the energy to try to be in a serious relationship (and trust me it is freaking emotionally exhausting, especially when you throw in kids...lol).  I might get in trouble with the more, right wing crowd here, but why not try some frum online dating though?  It might actually be perfect for you because don't put a picture if you don't want, write a kick butt, hilarious description of yourself (which already comes through in your posts) and you can still explain your disability, health issues, ahead so you don't have to be nervous about being rejected for that reason.  Any women that want to be in touch with you already know your schtick and did so because of your caustic sense of humor, you'll have lots of great wine, love travel and adventure and you want to take your wife on awesome free trips in J.  Heck, I practically just wrote it for you!    True, I happen to think judgy, sometimes jack@SS guys are hilarious but so do lots of other women and yes I just called you that but it in positive way...lol.  Also, quite frankly it is WAY easier for a man in general because women are not as fixated about looks but are maybe more judgy if men don't have other aspects of their lives together (so it helps to have your other stuff put together). 

I think that even the right wing crowd here would have to admit that the current system (largely the last 30 years) is not working for everyone. Are those who the current system can’t/ won’t service supposed to just resign themselves to their fate? Obviously they need to try other venues that will work for them. I don’t know if it’s some form of online dating or other option.

Same goes for older singles. Should they be doing the same thing they tried when they were 19 when they are 35 and hope for a different result? Years ago, at least in the US, there was a lot more informality to the process, providing more opportunity for those with issues to find their zivug. Its for bigger people than me to decide, but perhaps it’s time to acknowledge that the current system is not working for everyone, and there is a place for more informal means of Shidduchim for those who are clearly being left out...

[avromie7]

I think that even the right wing crowd here would have to admit that the current system (largely the last 30 years) is not working for everyone. Are those who the current system can’t/ won’t service supposed to just resign themselves to their fate? Obviously they need to try other venues that will work for them. I don’t know if it’s some form of online dating or other option.

Same goes for older singles. Should they be doing the same thing they tried when they were 19 when they are 35 and hope for a different result? Years ago, at least in the US, there was a lot more informality to the process, providing more opportunity for those with issues to find their zivug. Its for bigger people than me to decide, but perhaps it’s time to acknowledge that the current system is not working for everyone, and there is a place for more informal means of Shidduchim for those who are clearly being left out...

A few years ago, they started doing speed dating in Lakewood, it has the backing of R' Jacobs.

[sky121]

At the end of the day I believe if frum people could actually just meet those of the opposite sex there would be a lot more shidduchim. When you start judging on paper you definitely nix out people you could connect with, love and build a home with.

[wayfe]

Yes and no.  Bad choices of doctors and bad surgical procedures to remove tumors left my face scarred. I could fix it with more surgery but at this point I'm just tired of it all. If that was a factor of attraction and something I needed to fix, it would be my responsibility to fix it.

Years of untreated spinal stenosis and bad lifestyle choices made me very weak. I owned up to it, insurance didn't cover physical therapy, I didn't get to gym. I pay for after care rehab 3 times a week and there are other people there fighting for a better life. ..

im sympathetic to people's challenges,but I would not be attracted to that.

The point is that you're judging capacity for love, companionship, worldview, etc., based on something as unrelated and even somewhat irrelevant as physical appearance.

Same as you hate others doing to you.

[Dan]

At the end of the day I believe if frum people could actually just meet those of the opposite sex there would be a lot more shidduchim. When you start judging on paper you definitely nix out people you could connect with, love and build a home with.

There would also be more one-night stands, no?

[sky121]

There would also be more one-night stands, no?

That many more? How many people who are ok with one night stands aren't having them because socializing with the opposite sex in any relaxed setting isn't allowed ?

[davidrotts63]

That many more? How many people who are ok with one night stands aren't having them because socializing with the opposite sex in any relaxed setting isn't allowed ?

It's not about being OK with it, or "not doing it", it's where things can lead you.

[sky121]

It's not about being OK with it, or "not doing it", it's where things can lead you.

It would lead to less older singles IMO.
A small amount of 'risk' would be worth it as far as I'm concerned.

[cmey]

There would also be more one-night stands, no?

There could be a middle ground here. If there was limited interaction in more supervised settings- work, weddings, etc. that could lead to a boy and girl setting up a shidduch date using a “shadchan” post facto with none of the stigma that might be a net positive.

At the very least it would certainly avoid the type of conversation a woman by a rather high-end, frum event/conference I attended, was having. She was loudly talking on her cell saying she didn’t know if the girl was for her son because she had just seen the mother by the event, and the mother’s looks weren’t all that great. “Then again”, she said “they tell me the family is well off”.

[ChaimMoskowitz]

There would also be more one-night stands, no?

Not if you practice what you preach.

[Dan]

Not if you practice what you preach.

Sin doesn't always work like that. That's why we don't put ourselves into situations that could lead to it.

I agree that there ought to be a middle ground. But it's not a simple matter.

[ChaimMoskowitz]

Sin doesn't always work like that. That's why we don't put ourselves into situations that could lead to it.

I look at it differently. A true test of ones faith is when you overcome these situations. Trying to constantly shield someone IMHO does a disservice.

[cmey]

Sin doesn't always work like that. That's why we don't put ourselves into situations that could lead to it.

I agree that there ought to be a middle ground. But it's not a simple matter.

Agreed. You can easily create a situation where you are playing with fire.

[mercaz1]

I can't imagine if singles had more social settings to meet that there would be a wave of one night stands all of a sudden

[Dan]

I look at it differently. A true test of ones faith is when you overcome these situations. Trying to constantly shield someone IMHO does a disservice.

Judaism isn't about purposely testing one's faith. In fact most of our practices these days are specifically designed to avoid those situations. That's why I don't hold my wife's hand for 2 weeks out of every month...

[Dan]

I can't imagine if singles had more social settings to meet that there would be a wave of one night stands all of a sudden

Depends on the setting obviously.

[mercaz1]

Depends on the setting obviously.

of course

[ChaimMoskowitz]

Judaism isn't about purposely testing one's faith. In fact most of our practices these days are specifically designed to avoid those situations. That's why I don't hold my wife's hand for 2 weeks out of every month...

Does G-d test us at times (non-PC)?