We disembarked, and stayed towards the left of the terminal towards the transit area, where we were x-rayed, robbed of our water and dignity, and directed to the connecting gates. We made the somewhat lengthy trek to gate 46, and arrived at about 9:35 AM. Once there, I asked the gate agent if he could print me a boarding pass. (Yes, for those following at home, I already had my boarding pass from the AA JFK agent. But, that copy was on AA stock paper, and I wanted a copy on TAM stock paper for my collection.) For whatever reason, he could not reprint the boarding pass, but took my passport and motioned me on the plane.
I declined boarding at that point because I had to use the airport Wi-Fi to shoot off a few work emails, but the gate agent cautioned that they’d be closing the boarding doors in 20 minutes (a full 35 or 40 (!) minutes before departure). I told him I’d be back in 10 after taking care of a few things.
I should have just boarded. Stupid,
stupid,
stupid.
I sat down at the gate and began working, when for the first time, I began contemplating the meaning of life. No, it was not a voluntary exercise.
While doing some work, a member of “TAM Security Division” came up to my companion and me and without so much as an introduction asked: “So, you just got off the flight from Dallas, yes?”
Oh Gd, I thought. I haven’t told my family I was even going to Brazil. I hadn’t yet flown Singapore Suites. I hadn’t yet made it as a contestant on the Price is Right. I hadn’t yet called my kindergarten teacher and thanked her for being such a positive influence during my formative years. Heck, I hadn’t done much in my short time on this earth, and now I’d be facing the Brazilian version of what I feared back in JFK from TSA, namely, taking us back to the bowels of the “Security Division” offices, to be interrogated, starved, and beaten.
...Only this time, without the Bill of Rights for quasi-protection.
Because I didn’t know how deep we were in, I hemmed and hawed, expecting—no, hoping—that no one likes an uncomfortable silence, even scary security agents, and if I stayed silent long enough, perhaps due to the fact that I was debating whether or not to start stammering “ani lo mavin anglit,” the agent would reveal more about the purpose underlying her question.
When the agent was just about to open her mouth, my companion blurted out, “yep, direct from Dallas!”
Achshav, ani b’vadai lo m’daber anglit, v’ani lo makir at ha’ish hazeh!
“So you came from Dallas, and now you’re headed back to Miami… hmm… and you’re total time in the airport is about an hour… so which one of you is carrying the drugs?”
OK, maybe she didn’t ask that last question, but it sure seemed like she was insinuating something when she asked “so, what is the purpose of your, ahem, visit?”
Not wanting to risk having my companion say, “we’re here to deliver the drugs! Can you direct us to Pablo Escobar?” I realized I needed to step in, relearn English, and take the reigns. Otherwise, I’m sure we wouldn’t even be afforded the proverbial “phone call.”
I tried my darndest to explain what in the hell we were doing flying more 16,000 miles in less than 36 hours, but, well, to normal people, it sounded even more like we were drug mules. So I took a different approach.
“So, we love TAM. No, I mean reaaaally love TAM. And when we found out TAM, your lovely, awesome, unique TAM, was going to get rid of its first class cabin forever, we wanted to experience it first
in First. We wanted to experience the first class cabin on the your lovely, awesome, unique TAM. We wanted to enjoy ourselves like we wouldn't be able to on any other airline, in you cabin with only four seats, in a cabin that won't exist next week, in a cabin that is unparalleled, unrivaled, and unmatched.”
I lauded till I turned blue in the face. And then I prayed.
And then it happened.
The prosecutor turned into a pussy cat. Her scowl turned into a smile.
“Ah, yes, of course! Yes, we’re very sad to see it go. Only a few more days! October 31! Well, enjoy your flight.”
And with that she was off.
And with that I needed to change my underwear.
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