POLL: Wedding expenses in the frum Community - BH for simchos? or out of hand?

[yfr bachur]

so what did he want them to tone down?

Being a happy kid who is happy with what he has and not pressured about money?

[rbs-g1.5]

Being a happy kid who is happy with what he has and not pressured about money?

definately  not. Either the rebbe is an idiot and just wanted to mussar the "rich Americans/ballebatim  " or your SIL is clueless about whats considered extravavagent in that community. In my kids school you're not allowed to bring fancy nosh such as cornflakes bec. it can make others jealous. (That may be an old outdated rule but  you get the idea)

[yfr bachur]

definately  not. Either the rebbe is an idiot and just wanted to mussar the "rich Americans/ballebatim  " or your SIL is clueless about whats considered extravavagent in that community. In my kids school you're not allowed to bring fancy nosh such as cornflakes bec. it can make others jealous. (That may be an old outdated rule but  you get the idea)

Not oblivious. Both parents grew up here, her kids looks, acts, eats, and has possessions like every other kid in the neighborhood. Its not a Chutznik neighborhood where there's problems between the has chutznikim and the has not israelis

[rbs-g1.5]

Not oblivious. Both parents grew up here, her kids looks, acts, eats, and has possessions like every other kid in the neighborhood. Its not a Chutznik neighborhood where there's problems between the has chutznikim and the has not israelis

so option number 1

[yfr bachur]

so option number 1

Not americans/chutznekim... not baalie batim...
Rebbe being an idiot? possible.

[WonderingYid]

But what do you do when all the Shadchanim and Rabbanim and so on tell you suck it up "lmaan Hashalom" and no one is willing to go to the other side and or their rabbanim and make it clear that the demands are unreasonable.

Some people need to grow a pair...

[thaber]

&t=11s

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1mKwULMOTPP9jBh2yZ9Cus?si=qMyC1q8LRICArDHi-gX2mw

+1 on listening to this. Worth every minute

[Dan]

&t=11s

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1mKwULMOTPP9jBh2yZ9Cus?si=qMyC1q8LRICArDHi-gX2mw

Excellent.

[Dan]

But will you?

Yes.

[tzifanya54]

Yes.

kol hakavod!

[mevinyavin]

With RBs's blessing and the blessing of one of the Baalei Simcha, I experimented in the shul with a cheaper kiddush.
(For the record, a shul kiddush today costs about 1800 shekel in our shul: plain plasticware, soda, juice (15 bottles) and water (6 bottles), 12 kilo of rugelach, four potato kugels, cheap nosh - ie off-brand bisli and bamba and popcorn - and 12 containers of herring with crackers. Some people drop the kugel and it costs 800 or so less.)
We served just cookies (the mass produced kind) arranged on nice plates in patterns (I spent an hour doing it), the above drinks and nosh but extra nosh. The total cost squeaked in under 500 shekel and there was enough quantity for everyone.
Two thirds of the shul didn't notice the difference. Most of the rest simply registered that it was lower key. A significant minority (I would say 10%), by the comments they were making, went home hungry.
The idea had been to start a trend. It just so happens that my own kiddushim in the shul had the full amount (though the last one was more than five years ago and the cost for the same quantity was 600 shekel less then), but I wanted to push this type of kiddush to save people money. I know you are laughing, but it is Sanhedria Murchevet, and we often don't have 1800 shekel for a kiddush. I would have been prepared to make the same type of kiddush to emphasize the idea. (I think I still would, tbh, but after the comments, I would discuss with the Rav again before doing it.)
No one has done it since, not even with my open-ended offer to every baal simcha that I would do all the legwork for them if they would make such a kiddush. (That was the bribe I used on that baal simcha.) Agav it would be closer to 650 today, and this was about a year ago.

For the record, someone did another one of these (on the birth of a daughter) that still ran under 500 shekel (he got less quantity, it was a quiet week). I got even less negative feedback than the first time. 

[lover of truth]

For the record, someone did another one of these (on the birth of a daughter) that still ran under 500 shekel (he got less quantity, it was a quiet week). I got even less negative feedback than the first time.

not saying one should go into debt if he really doesn't have, but it  makes me uncomfortable when i go to a bris or other seudas mitzva and it looks like baal simcha went as low as possible
shouldn't a seudas mitzva be at least AS respectable as the schnitzel and fries YOU eat for dinner?
why is it okay to serve airline meals???(not hermollis)

[HudZ]

not saying one should go into debt if he really doesn't have, but it  makes me uncomfortable when i go to a bris or other seudas mitzva and it looks like baal simcha went as low as possible
shouldn't a seudas mitzva be at least AS respectable as the schnitzel and fries YOU eat for dinner?
why is it okay to serve airline meals???(not hermollis)

How many Simchos have you actually been to, that served what you call airline meals.

Also, how bad can a Bris be? Bagels, fish, a few spreads... How low can one go, that it still won't live up to your standards?

[Moshe Green]

How many Simchos have you actually been to, that served what you call airline meals.

Also, how bad can a Bris be? Bagels, fish, a few spreads... How low can one go, that it still won't live up to your standards?

In Israel the simchos are usually like an airline meal

but to answer @lover of truth;
Think of it this way.
You have a child, Mazal Tov. But B"H, its not your first and hopefully wont be your last. The average frum family can easily have between 6-8 kids. Lets go with 7.
7 x Shalom Zachor/Bris or Kiddush
3.5 x Upsherin (Chalaka)
7 x Bar Mitzvas/Bas Mitzvas (yes a bas mitzva is much cheaper, but some make them bigger)
7 x Chasunas

A cheap Shalom Zachor will be 200-400 dollars while you can easily go all out with beer, whisky, nuts, fruit platters etc. and get it to $1000.
Bris, the same. You can buy bagels with cream cheese and set it up yourself with a coffee corner for $200-$300 or get a fleishig caterer for $2000.
Kiddush, $500 or $2000? Does everyone need to eat a fleishig cholent an hour before they go home and eat... a fleishig cholent?
Bar Mitzva/Bat Mitzva. OY. Do you do a small event with a bar and self serve and a $50 bottle of Johnny Walker or fully catered. That's a difference of $5-10,000 easily.
And then the Chasuna. עיין this whole thread.

Once you realize that its 6-8 kids, then that $300 here or there is not $300 but $2,000.
The $1,500 is not $1,500 but $10,000.
$5,000 is $35,000.
And the $10-20,000 difference in a chasuna ends up at $150,000!

Altogether it can amass to $250,000-$300,000 easily.

[mevinyavin]

not saying one should go into debt if he really doesn't have, but it  makes me uncomfortable when i go to a bris or other seudas mitzva and it looks like baal simcha went as low as possible
shouldn't a seudas mitzva be at least AS respectable as the schnitzel and fries YOU eat for dinner?
why is it okay to serve airline meals???(not hermollis)

It is my assessment that such a kiddush IS respectable in Sanhedria Murchevet. And just to be sure, I asked the Rav also (before the first time), and I had the baal simcha approach the Rav again the second time.
I had it set up nicely, in various patterns on fancy plates, not in the box they came in dumped on the table.

[dovy2]

to take this thread a bit to a diff angle:

After speaking to multiple musicians, photographers, and caterers, after inquiring about their expenses vs what they charge, I discovered that a substantial part of their expenses is the equipment/food movement. They are not interested in doing the schlepping/technical parts of the job, so they hire others, which greatly impacts the price they charge.
Another aspect of their pricing is that, being freelancers, they don't have work all the time. Therefore, they need to raise their prices to offset the days they don't have work.

That being said,
לו יצוייר

Each community (CH, BP, Willy, Monsey Lkwd etc. which have weddings almost daily) was to have a designated hall, with a designated on-site caterer, with designated sound and lighting systems, with designated photographers, in which everyone's equipment stays set up, the price of weddings would be MUCH cheaper.

Of course, people want a choice, and competition is good etc. but I believe if the above-mentioned idea was implemented with top-of-line choices, costs would come crashing down.

Yes, to pull something like this off, one would need to be chessed-oriented, and not money-seeking-oriented, but I truly believe that pulling off such a thing is possible.

[aygart]

to take this thread a bit to a diff angle:

After speaking to multiple musicians, photographers, and caterers, after inquiring about their expenses vs what they charge, I discovered that a substantial part of their expenses is the equipment/food movement. They are not interested in doing the schlepping/technical parts of the job, so they hire others, which greatly impacts the price they charge.
Another aspect of their pricing is that, being freelancers, they don't have work all the time. Therefore, they need to raise their prices to offset the days they don't have work.

That being said,
לו יצוייר

Each community (CH, BP, Willy, Monsey Lkwd etc. which have weddings almost daily) was to have a designated hall, with a designated on-site caterer, with designated sound and lighting systems, with designated photographers, in which everyone's equipment stays set up, the price of weddings would be MUCH cheaper.

Of course, people want a choice, and competition is good etc. but I believe if the above-mentioned idea was implemented with top-of-line choices, costs would come crashing down.

Yes, to pull something like this off, one would need to be chessed-oriented, and not money-seeking-oriented, but I truly believe that pulling off such a thing is possible.

You just described the Lakewood wedding packages.

[dovy2]

You just described the Lakewood wedding packages.

Thye have this exact thing? oops.. I should have asked
Does it work, and why isn't it copied in other areas?

[Dan]

Thye have this exact thing? oops.. I should have asked
Does it work, and why isn't it copied in other areas?

Just did it for @Mendy11 with a package in Monsey. Astounding how nice and inexpensive the wedding was.
Shame you can't pull that off in CH though.

[aygart]

Thye have this exact thing? oops.. I should have asked
Does it work, and why isn't it copied in other areas?

Exact? no but the basic idea is the same.