New Shidduch Idea

[ushdadude]

Marriage is hard work.  Some have to work harder than others depending on who they marry and what situation they're in. Others have to work harder depending on their personalities. 

There is a marriage problem.
And maybe they can be discussed together because I bet a lot of those cases ARE young singles who were pressured into marriage, or just went along with things because it was "the next step" without having a good idea of what they were getting into.

+10 (the highest "+" I've ever given!)

I've dated girls with broken engagements and the story was always the same.

[sky121]

I'm in no way opposed to people getting married younger but we also could do a better job of presenting marriage to these young folks.

Also, it would be nice to not have the pressure of not being able to wait a few years because then you'll be damaged goods.   But unfortunately I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.

[ckmk47]

I think we ought to turn this thread to: How to find your bashert.
I'm a busy body, so I'll start.

Look for someone you get along with who has your values.
'get along with' - communication is sincere and comfortable
'has your values' - has the same vision as you on what your life looks like in 5 years, 10 years..

Family background, school/education, etc are tools to help determine their mindset and values, and could be added assets.

In your marriage, if your lives are headed in the same direction, and you can express disagreement clearly, you have a strong chance for a happy union.

[ushdadude]

I think we ought to turn this thread to: How to find your bashert.
I'm a busy body, so I'll start.

Look for someone you get along with who has your values.
'get along with' - communication is sincere and comfortable
'has your values' - has the same vision as you on what your life looks like in 5 years, 10 years..

Family background, school/education, etc are tools to help determine their mindset and values, and could be added assets.

In your marriage, if your lives are headed in the same direction, and you can express disagreement clearly, you have a strong chance for a happy union.

or just date/marry someone really easy going

[yehuda S]

I have and do. I suppose the issue of older singles is as well that we are exposed to the other side of marriages, we see the broken dreams and it scares us, as much as being single their whole life scares them?

I'm so grateful for the divorced people and the unhappy couples I know.

It showed me exactly what to stay away from.

[henche]

I can't read 11 pages just because I spaced out for one day.

This appears to be a simple make money scheme, where they get to charge you 100 up front, and then double shadchanus on the back end.

[chevron]

I'm in no way opposed to people getting married younger but we also could do a better job of presenting marriage to these young folks.

Also, it would be nice to not have the pressure of not being able to wait a few years because then you'll be damaged goods.   But unfortunately I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.

I think i'm more scared of kids than I am of marriage, it seems like a gigantic responsibility i'm not up for, at least at this stage.

Every one tells me a different story "marriage is sheer terror, but its worth it for the kids"

Maybe I need new friends But being a crappy parent is probably my biggest fear in life, its one thing if I screw up my life, miss my flights etc but the thought of raising kids wrong and ruining their lives is scary.

I guess i'm just not mature.

[meshugener]

Please nobody link Mesh's girl!

Don't worry, my girl is not on the internet.

[henche]

I think i'm more scared of kids than I am of marriage, it seems like a gigantic responsibility i'm not up for, at least at this stage.

Every one tells me a different story "marriage is sheer terror, but its worth it for the kids"

Maybe I need new friends But being a crappy parent is probably my biggest fear in life, its one thing if I screw up my life, miss my flights etc but the thought of raising kids wrong and ruining their lives is scary.

I guess i'm just not mature.

I have a different story for you.

Marriage is amazing. It is the best thing I ever did, including buying my car for a total cost so far of 3 cpm and it's still driving. I'm married already almost 5 months (admittedly a small sample size), and I'm happier every day that I am. Sure, my vacations pre-marriage were more outrageous, and I could get drunk with no oversight, and I could stay later at work without it bothering me as much--but nothing beats having a spouse you want to spend your vacations with, and who cares if you get drunk, and waits up for you when you're working late.

Maybe it's different when you're an alter bochur already. But if my friends told me marriage is sheer terror, I'd tell them they're doing it wrong.

[Chaikel]

I think we ought to turn this thread to: How to find your bashert.
I'm a busy body, so I'll start.

Look for someone you get along with who has your values.
'get along with' - communication is sincere and comfortable
'has your values' - has the same vision as you on what your life looks like in 5 years, 10 years..

Family background, school/education, etc are tools to help determine their mindset and values, and could be added assets.

In your marriage, if your lives are headed in the same direction, and you can express disagreement clearly, you have a strong chance for a happy union.

-1000.
You're not supposed to be looking for your bashert. Your bashert is generally going to be the person you marry. You're not supposed to make any decision based on the fact that the person might be your bashert.

I have a different story for you.

Marriage is amazing. It is the best thing I ever did, including buying my car for a total cost so far of 3 cpm and it's still driving. I'm married already almost 5 months (admittedly a small sample size), and I'm happier every day that I am. Sure, my vacations pre-marriage were more outrageous, and I could get drunk with no oversight, and I could stay later at work without it bothering me as much--but nothing beats having a spouse you want to spend your vacations with, and who cares if you get drunk, and waits up for you when you're working late.

Maybe it's different when you're an alter bochur already. But if my friends told me marriage is sheer terror, I'd tell them they're doing it wrong.

+1

I think the "different circles" we're in are the ones that every Shalom Bayis shiur talks about. In life there are givers and takers. It's generally pretty obvious who is who. People who cheat or singles that are living lifestyles that are against the Torah are pretty much automatically takers. These people can't enjoy marriage because they're in it for themselves. In addition, it's quite hard for them to even fid someone they consider a suitable mate, because they're looking for someone who will just give and give to them, with out having to give much in return.
But the average frum person is a giver. We don't give tzedaka to have a big plaque with our name on it or for yeshivish guys to whisper our names. We give for the sake of giving. But oh boy does it feel good.

When one can truly enjoy giving just for the sake of giving. When their biggest pleasure is putting a smile on someone else's face, then marriage is one of the most enjoyable experiences in life. Ahava is from the shoresh of hav (giving). The reason why many people are unhappy in marriage is that they never loved their spouse. They thought they did, but they had a big misconception of the Jewish concept of love

[meshugener]

I think i'm more scared of kids than I am of marriage, it seems like a gigantic responsibility i'm not up for, at least at this stage.

Every one tells me a different story "marriage is sheer terror, but its worth it for the kids"

Maybe I need new friends But being a crappy parent is probably my biggest fear in life, its one thing if I screw up my life, miss my flights etc but the thought of raising kids wrong and ruining their lives is scary.

I guess i'm just not mature.

I can't imagine any rav would deny you a heter bring on BC as long as you wish.

I mean it's quite more halachally than sleeping around.

[yehuda S]

I think i'm more scared of kids than I am of marriage, it seems like a gigantic responsibility i'm not up for, at least at this stage.

Every one tells me a different story "marriage is sheer terror, but its worth it for the kids"

Maybe I need new friends But being a crappy parent is probably my biggest fear in life, its one thing if I screw up my life, miss my flights etc but the thought of raising kids wrong and ruining their lives is scary.

I guess i'm just not mature.

The fact that you are worried about not being a good parent puts you two steps ahead of people who never thought about it/don't care.

Anyways I believe studies show that unless you actively screw your kids up, they will turn out ok.

[Achas Veachas]

The fact that you are worried about not being a good parent puts you two steps ahead of people who never thought about it/don't care.

Anyways I believe studies show that unless you actively screw your kids up, they will turn out ok.

+1 and +1
Same for the fact that you are worried about a bad marriage, the fact that you are worried puts you 2 steps ahead in the game IMO

[Dan]

I can't imagine any rav would deny you a heter bring on BC as long as you wish.

I mean it's quite more halachally than sleeping around.

True that.
But ultimately a marriage without kids is like a smartphone without data.  Just an empty shell.

Sure you can have fun for years and they will crimp your style, but it gives a fresh meaning to life.  Nobody knows how to be a perfect parent, you just do the best you can and pray that Gd takes care of the rest.

[ushdadude]

+1 and +1
Same for the fact that you are worried about a bad marriage, the fact that you are worried puts you 2 steps ahead in the game IMO

+3
you can't let the fear be crippling though

[Super Speed]

You just do the best you can and pray that Gd takes care of the rest.

+1 The Steipler said in his days that 97% of Chinuch was Tefillah.

[chevron]

There are a lot of factors at play, but it feels like this whole shiduch system is some kind of marketing campaign.. where are the real people ? I dont want to look at some facade. Thats why I often lay my cards on the table, I dont see getting married as a game of poker.

You talk about having different hashkafah, yet there is a concern that the person you marry has no hashkafah, they are just a shell.

People worry about the wrong things IMHO, they care too much for health aspects that are laid out, but then they can get up and marry a controlling, abusive etc person that ends in divorce. I suppose getting divorced beats being widowed.

Thats just another reason why I wont play the shiduch game

[sky121]

My theory with kids is that at the end of the day if they grow up in a house filled with love they will be ok.
And for the most part you just want to teach your kids to be kind, self sufficient and loving.


One of the biggest problems I see now a days with young parents is just a lack of paying attention.

[Super Speed]

One of the biggest problems I see now a days with young parents is just a lack of paying attention.

I couldn't agree more! I saw a Dad take out his 5 year old daughter for breakfast, the guy didn't get off his phone the entire time they were there.

[sky121]

I am all for technology.  But people have to be paying attention enough to know when to exercise self control and put it away, or turn it off.
I think it's a big factor in the lack of paying attention problem.