In the process of my bi-annual drive cleanup - you know, moving files to a permanent storage location sorted by date and type of file, deleting temporary stuff I don't need... I wonder, regarding some of the things I come across,
Did I really write that?.
Here's one I wrote at the behest of my wife. It began as a "what our gan contract would look like if we actually wrote the things we could if we weren't trying to be politically correct." From there it kind of went off the rails. I sent it to a few local ganenets (their husbands, that is) and got positive feedback. I guess you fellows can use this to gain a bit of empathy for your local equivalents? (It is the nine days, after all.)
Based on our experiences, by the way. I didn't make up any of the examples used. My wife has had a gan for about ten years now.
To our truly amazing parents:
Thank you for even considering our babysitting group! If you wish to continue to the level of parents who are in our babysitting group, you must read the following guidelines in full. We will provide you with a multiple-choice reading-comprehension test next week, after you have signed these guidelines and submitted them – and not read them for three days.
The cost of the group is 750 shekel1 a month. Payment is due on the first Hebrew day of every Hebrew month, including Tishrei, Adar Hasheni, Nissan, and Av. By sending your child, you are obligating yourself to pay for each of the next thirteen months. (Finding a child to take over your contract is subject to our approval.2)
Drop-off will be available starting at 8:30, even when we change the clock and it feels like 9:30. Pickup is starting at 1:15, and parents should arrive no later than 1:29:59 sharp. Yes, really sharp – like a knife. If you will be unable to consistently arrive before then, please find a group that will be open later. Note that we will not leave your kids outside the door if you come late – continuing to care for your kid is probably Hashavas Aveida, at least. We also do not plan on charging you a penalty fee for coming late – that will only encourage you to come late, and we want to give you your baby, not earn more money. (There are easier ways to earn money than collect late fees, you know?) Instead, I will put my four-year-old in charge of watching them while I make lunch.
Our group is open from Sunday through Thursday. Although seventeen parents asked,3 we will not be open on Friday. I have a life. We will be open according to the Beis Yaakov schedule – not according to your schedule,4 and not according to your husband’s schedule.5
On fast days (Tzom Gedalia, Asarah B’Teves and Shiva Asar B’Tamuz), the gan will open as usual but will end at 11:45AM.6 We are closed on Erev Rosh Hashanah and from Erev Yom Kippur until Isru Chag (Simchas Torah for Bnei Chul), reopening 24 Tishrei. Chanukah vacation is six days during Chanukah.7 We are closed Taanis Esther through Shushan Purim (13-15 Adar), from 5 to 24 Nissan, Yom Haatzmaut, Lag Baomer, Shavuos and Isru Chag, as well as any election day. The last day of gan will be Tuesday, 29 Tamuz. Despite all those amazing vacation days, you still pay. For example, we will not be open during Av, but payment for Av is still due on the first day of Av. In addition, if the Beis Yaakov closes for other reasons, we will also be closed. These closures bring your payment up from about six shekel an hour to a more reasonable nine shekel an hour, making me feel like a real person instead of your [insert foreign country here] cleaning help.
According to the heilige guidelines introduced by the alphabet-soup organization of our choice, you agree not to send your child if he or she is sick. (We decide what is sick, not you.8 For disagreements, see below.)
Even if circumstances change and you do not need a group which is open for the full group hours, you are still committed to the cost of 750 shekel a month. Payment is due in full even if your child must be kept home due to illness.9 If the gan is closed due to my illness,10 you will not be charged for those days. (Any time that I cannot open, I will try to find a substitute for that day whenever possible.11)
Food sent with your children must be in a ready-to-eat state in order for it to be served. If you did not peel your bananas or cook your cereal, I am not responsible for the results. Also, the food is required to be a seven or less on the UCMI.12 All leftover food must be taken at the end of the day or it will be thrown out.13 (We are not responsible to keep food overnight.14)
Although we will do our best to care for your belongings, please understand that we take no responsibility for anything brought to our group. Moreover, your kids are too young to remember which umbrella belongs to them – so that task belongs to you, dear parents! We also take no responsibility (neither monetary nor legal) for any injuries incurred in gan. (Safety statistics chart available on request.)
If you feel that circumstances warrant a change in this agreement or we have any other concerns or differences of opinion, we will make an appointment at the Kol D’Olom Govar dojo and fight club. Harav Yosef Kalman Friedman, Shlita, will be the referee, and whoever wins the fight gets to decide. (My husband is a black-belt, by the way.)
Please feel free to call me with any questions, comments, concerns, complaints, cares, claps, clarity, or Klonimus. It is important to me to keep in touch with you, but pick-up is not a good time to schmooze! Neither is the afternoon, morning, evening, or any time between 2AM and 1AM. My phone is also off when I go to sleep.15
Wishing you a year of alacrity and much money on the day before Rosh Chodesh. I look forward to seeing you then, and every other day before 1:29PM!
Please fill out the following:
Child’s Name:
Whichever number will be answered during gan hours when your kid starts throwing up:
Child’s Birthday, so I have an idea of when you want to send extra food:
Parent’s full legal name and social security number:
Favorite color / name of first pet / first school:
I have read all of the guidelines and agree to follow all the rules, including whatever rules the ganenet comes up with later.
Signature:
1 Payable in actual shekel. Not in dollars, Euros, Pesos, checks (or even cheques), money transfers, Quickpay, or if your name is Zell.
2 There will be no such approval. Okay? I don’t care if you want to switch him for his identical twin – NO APPROVALS.
3 An impressive feat considering there are only six kids in the gan…
4 Even if your boss needs you to stay late, but only on the busy days
5 Even though your talmid chochom husband – may he vaks ois and become a gadol hador - never takes off on Chanukah, Purim, Nissan (I’m sorry for your loss), Election Day, Yom Ha’Atzmaut, or when your kid has to go to the emergency room
6 This ensures that your husband has enough time to go to yeshiva and to come home. If he wants to learn also, that is up to him.
7 How would I know which six days? It is now Av – the Beis Yaakov principal probably hasn’t thought about it yet.
8 We can handle a certain level of mental illness without issues, especially misdiagnosed ADHD – after all, everyone is misdiagnosed with that!
9 See how I left what type of illness ambiguous, there? And how I didn’t define home?
10 Also undefined. If you disagree, see the relevant section.
11 Note that getting a substitute who will make more for the day than I make in a month is not part of my obligations.
12 Universal Child Mess Index. 10 is chocolate cream with honey mixed in, and beet juice for a deeper color. 1 is clear, odorless dish soap.
13 In the case of Nochri, it will be thrown out in a bag on your door.
14 Contrary to popular belief, and the way parents treat our house, there are no spare closets in the kitchen nor shelves in the refrigerator labeled “Gan food.”
15 Usually about 12:45AM.
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