When this thread gets bumped again in 3 or 4 years, people trying to read this post will be scratching their heads. In an effort to mitigate their confusion, I'm posting some links for clarification...
Breaking: DDF News Writer Incapacitated
In the early hours of Purim morning, the
resident news-breaker on the Dan's Deals Forum was found to be
posting under the influence of an intoxicating substance.
First responders to the scene did breathalyzer tests to determine how much alcohol had been consumed to cause the stupor, but the results surprisingly showed a sub-zero bac. "What were you expecting?" asked
@YitzyS. "The only drink I've had are 62 mini grape juice bottles from Mishloach Manos we've received."
The responders further checked for signs of narcotics, both legal and otherwise. While there was plenty of evidence of consumed
brownies, and the patient's constant talk of
his 30 year plus love of junk food which caused dubious political contributions, there was no sign of anything special within the baked goods.
At a loss, the responders attempted to take a medical history, but all the patient would say was that he was
desperate to feed his kids. The intoxication appeared to affect his speech, though instead of a slur, the patient was speaking like a teenage girl, like just like unable to like say anything like whatever without like saying
like, like you know?
The patient's wife who refused to get close to the responders saying something about
day 11, said the like speech had been going on for some time. "It's really strange," she said, "The first thing he does in the morning is say 'did anyone like me? Where is the
shabbos Abba?' I don't know where his obsession with our
pre-schooler's Friday routine comes from. Frankly it's gone from weird to frightening."
The responders left without figuring out the cause for the stupor, but urged the public to exercise caution in speaking of the
likes of likes in front of the patient, saying that whatever the issue is, it is clearly related to a liking of sorts.
Annonymous sources have confirmed that the
mention of exercise has awoken the patient and he should be back to posting his unique brand of fake news in the near future.