Author Topic: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?  (Read 23456 times)

Offline whacked1

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #40 on: March 08, 2021, 03:33:33 PM »
On the other extreme you have people who date too long because they're pushed to continue and assured the attraction will come, they then eventually break it off because of looks...
...or even worse, they dont break it off due to the external pressure of shadchanim and family....

Offline AsherO

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #41 on: March 08, 2021, 03:33:59 PM »
Forgive my cynicism. I grew up somewhere between Yeshivish and Modern. In practical terms, I went to Yeshivas that were more to the right than my parents, but my parents were not modern - i.e. would never allow us in a coed school/camp. But we also had a TV at home, went to movies, I was allowed by my parents to talk to girls, etc. I lived at home for college, but went to a college where the frum population was one of a handful of students.

As a teenager, I came to the realization that no matter what outward trappings of yiddishkeit you choose to follow, it didn't dictate what was in your heart. I have yeshivish/chasidish friends that I consider to be true and ehrlich, and are the most nice and genuine people I've met. I have met people who raise their noses at you because you don't wear a hat/learned in yeshiva X/ etc., but were caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

When I grew up I realized that I was happy with who I was - both in life and in yiddishkeit. I decided that if I would want to continue doing the things I did and wore a hat - the Yeshivish world would always see me as a faker, where the modern world would see me as a genuinely frum modern person.

... and while I met my wife through friends, I listened to some of my friends crazy shidduch stories and requests - my two favorites:

- Does he wear boxers or briefs?
- She needs to be a size 6, and read the NY Times and WSJ

- I have also heard of families making foolish medical decisions not in the best interests of their kids, but out of fear of ruining their shidduch prospects.

Please don't get me wrong. I don't live in the shidduch world to know the ins and outs, I am just very glad that when I had a choice, I opted out.

Bottom line is, as with anything else, to each their own. People who blaze their own trail and figure it out don't have a shidduch crisis, so we aren't talking about them.

Offline PlatinumGuy

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #42 on: March 08, 2021, 03:35:44 PM »
Why is getting turned down after 1 date better than after 2?
Often people feel like they didn't communicate themselves effectively on the first date. A second date is generally common courtesy.
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Online avromie7

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #43 on: March 08, 2021, 03:36:51 PM »
In the Heimish Chassidish circles were people get engaged between 3-5 dates. Going out a second time is almost 50% there.
This was not a public speech, he told it to me personally. He clearly knew I wouldn't be getting engaged after 3 dates.
Quote
If someone is physically unattracted or doesn't see it going anywhere after the first date - with all respect to his Rabbi I don't think going out a second time solves anything.
I would take his opinion before even considering yours, and I think everyone here (yourself included) would agree he earned that right.
Pictures can only disguise looks so much. Is it worse psychologically to get a 1st date and not a second one, or is it worse not to get any dates at all?
I think the pain of getting a date only to be turned down after 1 date repeatedly is worse than no date. The rejection is brutal.
My bad, I though the Was that you shouldn't see a picture, as in always see her in person first
I wanted to quote him as accurately as possible. I understood it to mean either in person or a picture, but it's usually not feasible to be able to see her in person. BH it's not nogaya anymore, so I'm not going to ask for a clarification.
I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free time.

Offline AsherO

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #44 on: March 08, 2021, 03:37:08 PM »
...or even worse, they dont break it off due to the external pressure of shadchanim and family....

There's a special place in h*ll for such shadchanim, and the parents failed (IMHO) in their parental role here.

Online avromie7

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #45 on: March 08, 2021, 03:38:18 PM »
Why is getting turned down after 1 date better than after 2?
It's not, it's worse. It's basically saying you're not even worth a second chance.
I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free time.

Offline Dan

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #46 on: March 08, 2021, 03:39:12 PM »
Often people feel like they didn't communicate themselves effectively on the first date. A second date is generally common courtesy.
Agree 100%, but he said this was not the reason for going on the 2nd date.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline Dan

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #47 on: March 08, 2021, 03:40:03 PM »
It's not, it's worse. It's basically saying you're not even worth a second chance.
Typo, meant worse.
I mean, I guess so. But seems like the wrong primary reason.
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Online avromie7

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #48 on: March 08, 2021, 03:48:21 PM »
Typo, meant worse.
I mean, I guess so. But seems like the wrong primary reason.
Being careful not to hurt someone is extremely important, that's why he feels it's the primary reason to never say no after 1 date. He very clearly said that this is especially important because a girl whose appearances cause her to be turned down is likely to be turned down often for the same reason.
I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free time.

Offline Yonah

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #49 on: March 08, 2021, 04:29:34 PM »
Bottom line is, as with anything else, to each their own. People who blaze their own trail and figure it out don't have a shidduch crisis, so we aren't talking about them.

Understood, I only mentioned it because the whole shidduch thing perplexes me - I've had job interviews that were less onerous than some of the shidduch processes that were described to me.


Offline Euclid

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #50 on: March 08, 2021, 04:31:11 PM »
Understood, I only mentioned it because the whole shidduch thing perplexes me - I've had job interviews that were less onerous than some of the shidduch processes that were described to me.
Ummmm isn't that the way it's supposed to be? A job isn't a lifetime commitment.

Offline Yonah

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #51 on: March 08, 2021, 04:31:53 PM »
I assume that guys share pictures as well as girls - is that correct?
Is it just as likely that I guy would be turned down because of looks than a girl?

Online avromie7

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #52 on: March 08, 2021, 04:48:03 PM »
I assume that guys share pictures as well as girls - is that correct?
Is it just as likely that I guy would be turned down because of looks as a girl?
No
FTFY
No
I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free time.

Offline zh cohen

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #53 on: March 08, 2021, 04:56:14 PM »
I assume that guys share pictures as well as girls - is that correct?

😂

Offline Dan

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #54 on: March 08, 2021, 05:04:29 PM »
I assume that guys share pictures as well as girls - is that correct?
Is it just as likely that I guy would be turned down because of looks than a girl?
I shared a picture whenever asked. Why not?
Save your time, I don't answer PM. Post it in the forum and a dedicated DDF'er will get back to you as soon as possible.

Offline whacked1

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #55 on: March 08, 2021, 05:15:08 PM »
I assume that guys share pictures as well as girls - is that correct?
Is it just as likely that I guy would be turned down because of looks than a girl?
Not sure what circles all the others are from. However, the "working guy" circles are asked lots of times for pics

Offline gozalim

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #56 on: March 08, 2021, 05:24:15 PM »
You printed? I wasn't able to do anything 
right click>open image in new tab/save image as

Offline Tuna Baygel

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #57 on: March 08, 2021, 05:28:15 PM »
right click>open image in new tab/save image as
By me its showing right click disabled

Offline Yonah

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #58 on: March 08, 2021, 05:28:53 PM »
Not sure what circles all the others are from. However, the "working guy" circles are asked lots of times for pics

"Working Guy" as opposed to "Learning Guy" - so Torah is attractive enough that you don't need to see the guy?

Offline yelped

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #59 on: March 08, 2021, 05:30:26 PM »
I assume that guys share pictures as well as girls - is that correct?
Is it just as likely that I guy would be turned down because of looks than a girl?
Not in Yeshivish circles. In Chassidish circles, if pictures are shared, which is the exception rather than the rule, it goes both ways.