Jokes Master Thread

[Euclid]

We just knocking off Rodney Dangerfield?

no respect

[HudZ]

After I exercise, I eat 10 donuts.

Just kidding. I don't exercise

[Just A Jew]

https://twitter.com/ImtiazMadmood/status/1790817536927220204

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by Hamas in Gaza.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger and fries. The reporter ate it and said, “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The Hamas leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The Hamas leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind.

The soldier went sprawling but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine, and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire.

In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him,

“Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “And help you to report that I was the aggressor?"

[HudZ]

Because of where this was posted, it was probably missed by many. So reposting here.

[ExGingi]

Because of where this was posted, it was probably missed by many. So reposting here.

Thanks for reposting. I would never see it in that thread, as I don't go for any such things.

[HudZ]

Someone posted they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, you mean just like the ones grammar used to make?
Now I'm blocked.

[Shulem b]

[HudZ]

What did the grape say when he got crushed?

Nothing, he just let out a little whine.

[YitzyS]

What did the grape say when he got crushed?

Nothing, he just let out a little whine.

Belongs in the corny jokes thread. Such a joke needs a serious disclaimer before about it's corniness... 

[Ver hut gazugt]

Two older men are talking one says to the other why are you so worried John.
John says my wife is really upset with me.
Why.
in the morning she asked me what I was going to do and I said nothing.
She said, but that is what you said yesterday
I said, well I’m not finished yet.

[ckmk47]

Two older men are talking one says to the other why are you so worried John.
John says my wife is really upset with me.
Why.
in the morning she asked me what I was going to do and I said nothing.
She said, but that is what you said yesterday
I said, well I’m not finished yet.

Husband: Honey, what's for dinner?
Wife: Nothing.
Husband: But we had that yesterday.
Wife: We had leftovers, so I thought we'd have it today.

[DaasTora]

Promise you WILL laugh when reading this after finding your role model.
 NO CHEATING! I was in disbelief to find out who my role model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
 It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator 😉)

5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

6) Add the digits together
 Now Scroll down............With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

 1. Albert Einstein

2. Your principal

3. Joe biden

4. Donald Trump

5. The Rebbetzin

6. The Rebbe

7. Your mom

8. Your Dad

9. Yours truly, aka me (who just happens to be the most amazing person on earth)

10. Your older sister

I know, I know.. I just have that amazing effect on people.



P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR Favorite, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!

[YitzyS]

Promise you WILL laugh when reading this after finding your role model.
 NO CHEATING! I was in disbelief to find out who my role model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
 It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator 😉)

5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

6) Add the digits together
 Now Scroll down............With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

 1. Albert Einstein

2. Your principal

3. Joe biden

4. Donald Trump

5. The Rebbetzin

6. The Rebbe

7. Your mom

8. Your Dad

9. Yours truly, aka me (who just happens to be the most amazing person on earth)

10. Your older sister

I know, I know.. I just have that amazing effect on people.



P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR Favorite, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!

This is an analog version of the "this guy" gag.

[etech0]

2010 called, it wants its email forward back