Author Topic: Jokes Master Thread  (Read 716585 times)

Offline DovtheBear

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"Before you marry a person, you should make them use a computer with really slow internet to see who they really are.
Uh oh. :-[
"להסתובב זה לא אומר להיות חופשי"

Offline This is who I am

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"Before you marry a person, you should make them use a computer with really slow internet to see who they really are.
HAHAHAHA
“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Offline SamKey

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A man walks in to a suit store and asks "Can I try on that suit in the window" Rep: Sure but we have changing rooms also"!

Offline Achas Veachas

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"I can't believe the government is reading my emails, even I don't read them".

Offline good sam

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Knock Knock

Who's there?

George Zimmerman.

George Zimmerman who?

Time for George Zimmerman to get a new attorney.
If you don't care why would you comment?
HT: DMYD

Offline henche

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Knock Knock

Who's there?

George Zimmerman.

George Zimmerman who?

Time for George Zimmerman to get a new attorney.

Trial is amazing

Offline This is who I am

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“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Offline ckmk47

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גבאי Goes over to someone to call him up for an עליה.  He asks him,"what is your name".  He answers "שרה בת ברכה״״". The גבאי says "no I need your name".
The man answers "I am having financial trouble and I am doing everything in my wife's name these days"
LOL
My favorite cause: cssy.org

Offline Achas Veachas

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An Israeli Kibutznik stumbles into a Shul, the Gabbai seeing a newcomer wants to offer him an Aliyah so he asks him for his name, the Guy says Doron, The Gabay responds "דורון בן...?" The Israeli with a perplexed look says "עשרים ושמונה" The exasperated Gabbai says "לא, לא, האבא" to which the guy replies "אה האבא בן שישים וחמש".
Sounds a lot better when you say it but whatevs :-\

Offline SamKey

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An Israeli Kibutznik stumbles into a Shul, the Gabbai seeing a newcomer wants to offer him an Aliyah so he asks him for his name, the Guy says Doron, The Gabay responds "דורון בן...?" The Israeli with a perplexed look says "עשרים ושמונה" The exasperated Gabbai says "לא, לא, האבא" to which the guy replies "אה האבא בן שישים וחמש".
Sounds a lot better when you say it but whatevs :-\
ALOL!

Offline PlatinumGuy

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למה חלק מהירושלמים הולכים עם פיז'מות (זברות)? מפני שיושב בטל כישן דמי...
״וזה כלל גדול: שישנא אדם כל דבר שקר. וכל מה שיוסיף שנאה לדרכי השקר – יוסיף אהבה לתורה.״ - אורחות צדיקים

Offline Moishebatchy

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למה חלק מהירושלמים הולכים עם פיז'מות (זברות)? מפני שיושב בטל כישן דמי...
LOL!

Offline chaimmayer

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An Israeli Kibutznik stumbles into a Shul, the Gabbai seeing a newcomer wants to offer him an Aliyah so he asks him for his name, the Guy says Doron, The Gabay responds "דורון בן...?" The Israeli with a perplexed look says "עשרים ושמונה" The exasperated Gabbai says "לא, לא, האבא" to which the guy replies "אה האבא בן שישים וחמש".
Sounds a lot better when you say it but whatevs :-\
ממש חמוד

Offline Chaikel

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THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West  Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.  KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.  KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!
Create professional looking itineraries.
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Offline semper fi

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THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West  Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.  KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.  KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!
ALOL, seems like you have something with Detroit!

Offline SamKey

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Offline damaxer91

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THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West  Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.  KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.  KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.  I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!

Love it!

Offline birne

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THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

....... "Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!"  The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!
ROFLMAO!  best joke I heard in a while!
WHY NOT?!?!

Offline mmermss

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Critical Thinking At Its Best

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man:Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5,400 … correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
It's not about the quantity of your posts.  It's about the quality.

Offline Moshe90

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Critical Thinking At Its Best

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man:Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately
$5,400 … correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation,
the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money
could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
+1