Jokes Master Thread

[yungermanchik]

Ding Dong

Yo, it's 2023, bells don't sound like that anymore!

[g_t]

Hey its not my house I just pressed the button

[SuperFlyer]

Is it just me, or the level of jokes actually reduce my IQ?

And I thought I got rock bottom.

[g_t]

Is it just me, or the level of jokes actually reduce my IQ?

And I thought I got rock bottom.

Alright Ill show myself to the door. And I was just about to tell you about the time Abbot tried telling Costello a knock knock joke too

[SuperFlyer]

Alright Ill show myself to the door. And I was just about to tell you about the time Abbot tried telling Costello a knock knock joke too

Yalla,  bring on that last one.

[dm123]

Yalla,  bring on that last one.

Since you asked I had to Google it...

Abbott and Costello Meet Knock-Knock Jokes
DECEMBER 7, 2018THESCOTTYSSEY
A: Knock knock

C: Who’s there?

A: No, it’s me. Who’s waiting in the driveway.

C: I don’t know who’s waiting in the driveway. I want to know who’s knocking.

A: No, I’m knocking.

C: Who’s you?

A: No no no! I’m me. Who’s waiting in the driveway!

C: I don’t know who’s waiting in the driveway, and I can’t check if I don’t first know who’s knocking at my door!

A: Who’s not knocking at your door.

C: That’s not what I want to know. I don’t care who’s not knocking at my door, I just want to know who is knocking at my door!

A: But he’s not knocking at your door.

C: Who’s not?

A: Exactly.

C: Well Exactly can knock or not knock as much as he wants, I don’t particularly care! What I want to know is who is knocking!

A: No he isn’t! I am!

C: You are!

A: I am.

C: Right. So, you are knocking at my door. And you also want to know who’s in the driveway.

A: I already told you Who’s in the driveway.

C: You already told me who’s in the driveway?

A: Yes.

C: So who’s in the driveway then?

A: Yes.

C: Yes is in the driveway?

A: No.

C: Yes isn’t in the driveway?

A: Right.

C: So if Yes isn’t in the driveway, then who is?

A: Exactly.

C: Exactly.

A: Exactly.

C: Exactly’s in the driveway?

A: No. Who is.

C: I DON’T KNOW WHO’S IN THE DRIVEWAY BECAUSE I CAN’T SEE WHO’S IN THE DRIVEWAY WITHOUT OPENING MY DOOR AND CHECKING AND I CAN’T OPEN MY DOOR UNTIL I KNOW WHO’S KNOCKING AT IT!

A: But Who isn’t knocking at it.

C: I DON’T CARE WHO ISN’T KNOCKING AT IT I ONLY CARE WHO IS!

A: Well if you don’t care Who isn’t knocking I don’t see why you should care if he were.

C: If who were?

A: Exactly.

C: I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT EXACTLY I’M TALKING ABOUT WHO’S KNOCKING AT MY DOOR!

A: But don’t you understand! He can’t possibly be knocking at your door if he’s waiting in the driveway!

C: Who can’t?

A: Exactly.

C: Okay, okay, okay. Let’s go back to the beginning. Let’s just start with what we know: Someone is knocking at my door.

A: Right.

C: And that someone is you.

A: Correct.

C: Okay, so, you are knocking at my door– you’re the one coming to my door saying “Knock Knock,” to which I respond “Who’s there?” and––

A: No, I’m here, Who’s waiting in the dr––

C: ZIPPIT! ZIP YOUR LIPS I AM THINKING! Right. So, you say “Knock Knock” I ask “Who’s there?” And the answer to that question then would be “You.” You’re there.

A: Yes. I’m here.

C: Okay… okay. I think I’ve got this thing sorted out now. Let’s try this again. Okay?

A: Okay.

C: Okay. Here we go. Take it from the top.

A: “Knock Knock”

C: Now I ask “Who’s there?” to which the answer would be You’re there, so “You.” “Knock Knock; who’s there?; You.”

A: Right.

C: Okay. Okay. You who?

A: No! For the last time, I’m me, Who’s waiting in the driveway!

Aaaaand Curtain.

 

-S.P.

[Something Fishy]

Is it just me, or the level of jokes actually reduce my IQ?

And I thought I got rock bottom.

Yes. We're talking less funny than Laffy Taffy here.

[dm123]

And while we're on the topic of knock knock jokes was the one with Lubavitch (although it works with some other kreizin also) posted here ever?

Me: Knock Knock
Lubavitcher: "Who's there?"
M: "Brich"
L: "Brich who?"
M: "HA! You said brich hu!"

[SuperFlyer]

Yes. We're talking less funny than Laffy Taffy here.

הרני מקבל את יסורי מלתא דנוק נוק באהבה.

[yfr bachur]

Reminds me of the story of Moshe Dayan getting pulled over for speeding - apparently by the one cop in Israel who didn't recognize him.

The cop asks why are you speeding - Dayan points to his Eye patch and says "I've got one good eye, would you prefer I use it to look at the spedometer or the road?" - he got out of the ticket.

you mean a israeli cop pulled s/o over?
ROFL

[yfr bachur]

The hardest part of a Taanis is not being able to tell your chavrusa that youre going to get a coffee

[mevinyavin]

And while we're on the topic of knock knock jokes

[mevinyavin]

And also:

[mevinyavin]

[dm123]

I searched "percent" and didn't see this joke, so hopefully not a repost.

An older guy was a heavy drinker (only 96 percent of course) and never even touched water. His kids always told him to hydrate more and cut back on the alcohol. He eventually ends up in the hospital and the diagnoses is water in the lungs. He turns to his kids and says: "See! The 4 percent is gonna kill me!"

[koplonko]

I searched "percent" and didn't see this joke, so hopefully not a repost.

An older guy was a heavy drinker (only 96 percent of course) and never even touched water. His kids always told him to hydrate more and cut back on the alcohol. He eventually ends up in the hospital and the diagnoses is water in the lungs. He turns to his kids and says: "See! The 4 percent is gonna kill me!"

True story with meir itkin (or yudel chitrik)
@ExGingi can confirm?

[ExGingi]

True story with meir itkin (or yudel chitrik)
@ExGingi can confirm?

It's an urban legend about Meir Itkin. I never bothered to try and confirm.

[SuperFlyer]

It's an urban legend about Meir Itkin. I never bothered to try and confirm.

I heard this story decades ago, told about a generic Gerrer Chassid.

[YitzyS]

I heard this story decades ago, told about a generic Gerrer Chassid.

I thought only Satmar and Bobov had name brands with generic alternatives... 

[herb]

Anything I can say by my sister in-laws Sheva brachos?