Author Topic: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?  (Read 23756 times)

Online YitzyS

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #180 on: March 10, 2021, 05:41:31 PM »
So, to address the OP's question of "Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?"

The answer: Absolutely! Can't you see how extremely changed the conversation has become?!

Offline pbf

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #181 on: March 10, 2021, 05:48:37 PM »
what do you mean by "it meant nothing"? At what point was it clear that it meant nothing?

Meaning, wasn't close to getting engaged.

Had doubts, worked them through until I had full clarity after date #5.

Offline pbf

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #182 on: March 10, 2021, 05:53:30 PM »
To be clear, 5 is quite unusual for me. It's usually 1 or 2. But it has happened

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #183 on: March 10, 2021, 06:03:54 PM »
Shais Taub recently discussed this in an online presentation, and his take seemed to be (if I understood him correctly, I might be wrong about this) that OTD doesn’t happen in a bubble and all the cases he’s seen were caused by some sort of trauma, not necessarily the classic/literal abuse.
This. Because every individual is unique, there are people that experience very "light" forms of abuse in a incredibly traumatic fashion. It's all about the trauma, not the particulars of what caused it. Abuse is definitely up there, but I believe trauma and undealt with pain is the underlying cause of most people leaving Judaism.

On the topic of mental illness being disclosed- its disturbing to hear blanket statements either way, every case can be so different... I agree there are people who cover up things in a negligent or borderline malicious way, but I do feel that most peoplle are trying to toe the fine line of being honest but not laying themselves and their children victim to peoples unjust stigmas and prejudice.

I haven't formed an opinion about the "best" way of dating. I see much merit and peril in both the Chasidish and regular dating methods.

I do think the picture debate is a little overblown. But if it's being done definitely bit ways. It's sad these things go around and it's sad people automatically think that if it's going around its kit being done respectfully and responsibly.
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Offline yungermanchik

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #184 on: March 10, 2021, 07:29:57 PM »
Is surviving abuse something you think needs to be disclosed before any dates? At what point should it be brought up? I'm assuming you don't expect to see it on a résumé...
https://hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=920&st=&pgnum=212&hilite=


Small people talk about other people.
Average people talk about things
BIG PEOPLE TALK ABOUT IDEAS.

Offline yesitsme

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #185 on: March 10, 2021, 07:40:54 PM »
Time for a poll with all relevant options
["-"]

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #186 on: March 10, 2021, 07:46:55 PM »
https://hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=920&st=&pgnum=212&hilite=


This has always made the most sense to me. Which would also make it unnecessary to dig in this area or look for "flags."
Failing at maintaining Lurker status.

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #187 on: March 10, 2021, 07:49:41 PM »
Another point to be made is the extent to which evaluating a certain candidate becomes a decision/referendum by the parents and/or boy/girl on the specific issue (medical/mental health/OTD/etc. in the family), to the extent that it completely overshadows the specific personal aspects of said candidate and their relevance/compatibility.

Offline yelped

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #188 on: March 10, 2021, 08:54:36 PM »
I know someone who only uses mevushal wine when his son is in the house, as this son uses the Boro Park eruv.



(How many degrees of separation are we from the OP at this point ;D?)
So what about someone who uses other Eiruvin? The BP eiruv is one of the most mehudar Eiruvin in the world. Does he throw people who use the Eiruv in Yerushalayim out the window?  :P

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #189 on: March 10, 2021, 08:59:09 PM »
So what about someone who uses other Eiruvin? The BP eiruv is one of the most mehudar Eiruvin in the world. Does he throw people who use the Eiruv in Yerushalayim out the window?  :P


**This post contains disputed information**

Offline avromie7

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #190 on: March 10, 2021, 10:06:53 PM »
So what about someone who uses other Eiruvin? The BP eiruv is one of the most mehudar Eiruvin in the world. Does he throw people who use the Eiruv in Yerushalayim out the window?  :P
-1000000000.

You just opened the biggest can of worms.
I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free time.

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #191 on: March 10, 2021, 10:12:49 PM »

You just opened the biggest can of worms.

And in a discussion about shidduchim, mental health, abuse, and OTD... that's a serious accomplishment.
Failing at maintaining Lurker status.

Offline yelped

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #192 on: March 10, 2021, 10:18:41 PM »
-1000000000.

You just opened the biggest can of worms.
On purpose.
And in a discussion about shidduchim, mental health, abuse, and OTD... that's a serious accomplishment.
That was my point. To highlight priorities.

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #193 on: March 10, 2021, 10:42:24 PM »
Random anecdote about the eiruv controversy:

They say that Rebetzin Bick, wife of Rav Moshe Bick zt"l, was once standing in Boro Park on Shabbos when she saw a chossid walking by carrying his streimal in his hand. She walked over to him and said, "nem oif dein kapel oichet" - take off your yarmulka also!

Offline yelped

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #194 on: March 10, 2021, 10:52:20 PM »
Random anecdote about the eiruv controversy:

They say that Rebetzin Bick, wife of Rav Moshe Bick zt"l, was once standing in Boro Park on Shabbos when she saw a chossid walking by carrying his streimal in his hand. She walked over to him and said, "nem oif dein kapel oichet" - take off your yarmulka also!
Lol. Funny story.

My point was exactly opposite. People take the anti eruv side very to heart, while you have(/had) some of the biggest poskim who were not only matir the eruv, but were very involved in getting it up and running, such as Rav Fishel Hershkovitz zatzal and Rav Yechezkel Roth zatzal. The Sederheili Ruv, Rav Chaim Leib Katz Shlita currently maintains it. These are big people who can definitely be relied upon. So if you don't rely on it for whatever reason, personal or other, don't make a big stink if someone does. Enjoy his non mevushal wine (and go to the Kosel ;)).

Offline Something Fishy

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #195 on: March 10, 2021, 11:39:13 PM »
This thread is a work of art.
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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #196 on: March 10, 2021, 11:44:51 PM »
This thread is a work of art.
Though it would lose in an art contest to this

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #197 on: March 10, 2021, 11:47:52 PM »
Rav Yechezkel Roth zatzal
Another funny anecdote they say, which I repeat with the greatest respect.

The Mirrer rosh yeshiva Rav Shmuel Birnbaum once arrived at a wedding the same time as Rav Yecheskal Roth, and they each stood at the door out of respect for the other, wanting them to enter first. Finally, Rav Shmuel turned to Rav Chazkal and said, "You must go in before me, because you are a bar plugta of Rav Moshe Feinstein, and I'm not big enough to do that."

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #198 on: March 11, 2021, 12:11:54 AM »
Another funny anecdote they say, which I repeat with the greatest respect.

The Mirrer rosh yeshiva Rav Shmuel Birnbaum once arrived at a wedding the same time as Rav Yecheskal Roth, and they each stood at the door out of respect for the other, wanting them to enter first. Finally, Rav Shmuel turned to Rav Chazkal and said, "You must go in before me, because you are a bar plugta of Rav Moshe Feinstein, and I'm not big enough to do that."
:)

As an aside, Rav Shmuel Birinbaum zatzal paskened shaalos?

Offline Something Fishy

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Re: Would this change the shidduch picture conversation?
« Reply #199 on: March 11, 2021, 12:23:31 AM »
As an aside

New thread title idea
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